awake and dreaming
I am of two minds. Awake and in a dream state. I haven’t had five hours of straight sleep for two weeks. This state is no blissful Maryland. It is a foggy and distracted state like coastal Washington. I’m tired, eating badly and not exercising. I need to shave my legs. I keep forgetting to floss. Well I don’t actually forget, I’m just too tired to bother.
Truth is, I’m a bit of a mess and my back aches from bending and chasing and scooping and barricading. I feel like my house is under siege — invaded by a furry little dictator. Levi is his name and he’s an 11 week old golden retriever. And for the record, he only chews, gnaws and takes. He does not retrieve.
And the crazy part of this dream is that it’s not a dream, it’s not going to end anytime soon, I can’t go back and, we — foolish naive people that we are — we invited him in. We beckoned, wished, searched, found and flung open our arms to this — our first dog.
People told us, “oh you’ll love it”, “oh it will be the best thing you’ll ever do”, “oh he’ll become a part of your family”. Sounded great. We heard the warnings too, “oh a puppy’s a lot of work”, “oh prepare not to sleep ever again”, “oh you know it’s like having a baby”. But we shunned those warnings. We knew better. We knew we were ready and we knew, in our heart of hearts, it wouldn’t be that bad. After all, we are home a lot, we have a small family, we love walking and running, and we have more than enough space and time in our lives for this little being. HAH!
The time is never right to turn a perfectly peaceful life upside-down. But we did and this is where I am now. Missing what I had and squinting through the fog of this dream state to try to see more clearly what this strange new land I now inhabit looks like and feels like.
We’ve all been here if we’ve lived at all. Something new comes into our lives. We start school, we get our first job, we meet someone special, get married, have kids. We continually make choices and then, when the dream state of fatigue and overwhelm begins to clear, we adapt and we learn to put one fluffy slipper in front of the other and bag yet another lovely morsel of poop left in the snow. We do what we have to do.
No one said new was easy.
New might be soft, sweet, adorable, playful, loving and curious. But new is also a stranger to me – a guest who is not leaving, who demands attention, even if it’s three in the morning. New wails, bites and eats paper towel rolls. New doesn’t care if he’s chewing his designated chew toys or the freakin’ legs of my furniture. New has taken up residence, made himself quite comfortable and forced the three “old” people living in this house to make room.
There’s a part of me that’s wigging out – wondering when this “guest” will become a member of the family and do his part – whatever that is. When I’ll stop feeling like I’ve made a huge mistake. I go from gushing over his big puppy dog eyes to wanting to cry. I go from joyfully watching him leap in the snow like a rabbit to hoping he’ll quit whining and let me sleep.
My dream state is riddled with rough terrain that wavers between love and animosity, joy and weariness. But it also has a glimmer of beauty on its horizon. I need to wake myself a little to see it. I need to lift the fog. I need to get back what I never lost and see what has always been there — the good and the love.
How will I do this? I will practice patience. I will shower even if he’s howling in his crate. I will get back to yoga while he naps and start drinking my green smoothies every morning even if he doesn’t like the sound of the blender. I will fuel my body, my soul and my love for my puppy with healthy things. I will rest when I can and not worry about clocking how many hours of sleep I get. I will take back my life little by little, but recognize that plans might have to be flexible and that change is not the end of the world.
At times, you too may have found yourself at odds with those around you or with your life’s circumstances. You may have felt like a guest in your own home or like someone has intruded into your personal space. Perhaps it’s the demands of young children, pets, jobs, parents, friends or a boss. Perhaps you’re rattled by a disruption in your daily routine. Maybe you’ve become unclear as to how to proceed as per usual.
The dream state takes over even though you’re awake. It’s that feeling like you’re floating through life but you’re not really a part of it somehow. To lift this sense of weariness we need to take care of ourselves and realize we are not in this thing alone. We can ask for help. We can let go perfection. We can be where we are, even if it feels a little off or weird.
Where I am is tired. But I’m healthy, happy and safe. I have a new life in my care. I have more than my share. I am blessed. This is a dream state I can live in.
Be there with me. Embrace the basics – love, water, food, exercise, cuddles and fresh air. My puppy taught me that. I do love him. And I do love you for being on this journey with me.
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28 Responses to “awake and dreaming”
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Hi Katie,
We do seem to have a certain synchronicity, don’t we! So here we, both writing about dreaming and being awake. I love the lessons you’ve captured from your experience with “new” ~ all about patience, flexibility, self-care, gradual doses, and love. Goodness, golden retrievers are quite rambunctious, aren’t they! It will be interesting to see how you and new are in six months. Wish you a bright new year…and a little more sleep too.
Thanks for the support Sandra. Seems I was right. I’m not alone.
Katie,
As a long time dog owner and enthusiast, enjoy this time because, like kids, it goes by fast. Puppyhood seems to go on forever and yes, being a boy dog, it will go on longer than it if was a girl (the light should come on about 3 yrs of age, sorry to tell you) but it does go fast. My boy is 12 now and I relish every moment with him.
Breath and remember ALL THE TIME, he is a D O G.
I haven’t the strength or desire at 47 to take on a puppy. Great for you. Embrace all the messages he is sending in his behavior, in his eyes, in the moments when he is quiet and content. Do not to take anything he destroys to personally. Stop what you are doing when he is doing something fun! I always did that with my dogs. Blog can wait when you pup/dog is trying to engage you. Another beautiful thing in life…dogs!
Ha I can lend a few tips if you need it.
What a fun fabulous tired and exasperating time!
Thank you
Catherine
Catherine, I appreciate hearing from dog owners who have been through this and somehow come out the other side more joyful and alive than before. It’s funny, as we enter our third week with the puppy, I can tell that each of us is a little more in love and a little more okay with his invasion. I will take your advice and join in when he’s having fun. It’s hard not to when he does his bunny jumps and spins around after his tail. Thank you for sharing your D O G wisdom.
We had two goldens and both have passed away. One from illness and the other was poisoned by a neighbor trying to get rid of chipmunks. You are so blessed to have one of these beautiful dogs! There is no other breed that is as compassionate and just so full of love ready to give to anybody willing to take it! Such a personality and so loyal and full of life and energy… I just can’t say enough about them !! Treasure your time together. They teach you so much about living in the moment and getting outside to see the world…WALK, WALK, EXPLORE; We went on so many adventures… My kids still cry over losing the one to peanut butter chipmunk poison and it has been two years.
Have fun and enjoy every minute!! Best wishes for you and goldie!!
Oh Val, I’m so sorry to hear that one of your dogs was poisoned. I had a cat years ago who was also poisoned by a neighbour – we believe intentionally using anti-freeze which has fish oil in it (or did) and that’s what attracts them to it. He hated outdoor cats. Three cats were lost in our neighbourhood.
I will treasure this time. I am. I’m just a touch bagged but each day gets easier and this morning he slept in a whole twenty minutes longer. I can’t wait ’til he’s had his shots so I can walk, walk, and yes, explore!
Join a puppy kindergarten class as soon as possible! It helps your furry guy learn very important socialization skills and gives you a support group of people who are going through exactly what you are. I gave my golden back to the breeder. Twice. I just couldn’t change my life that drastically. I didn’t think I’d ever love this crazy thing enough to make it al worth this. But everytime I’d take her back, my then teenage son would go pick her back up and bring her “home”. He promised when he went off to college in 6 months, she would go to. Well he’s getting close to graduating from college now and has been gone 4 years. He forgot to take the dog he couldn’t live without. Now he couldn’t pry her away from my heart if he tried. She is my soulmate. And it really gets very easy as they get older. I loved your post. Thanks for the memories.
Yes, Sue, we’re all signed up for January to attend puppy school. Can’t wait. He loves other dogs. We’re lucky to have his sister living in the neighbourhood too so they have play dates once in a while too. I look forward to the days when he’s not eating everything or scratching at everything in sight. But that said, he’s a very calm puppy and sleeps a lot. He’s a gem. Glad you enjoyed the post. Sweet memories I’m sure I’ll have one day.
For now, as one of my readers who also has a new puppy emailed me to say, I am in the company of other puppy zombies out there gamboling and frolicking the same path toward old dog perfection.
“NO one said it was easy”. Nope but like you said there are roses in among the thorns. Cuddles and love.
My dog had to be put to sleep a week before Christmas because of a big kidney tumor.She had cancer. Untreatable cancer. Reminded me of how my late husband died a few days before Christmas years ago. I felt like I was in a nightmare half dream state then.
I forgot how a puppy can shake your life.
Take care
Clar
Clarbojahn, so sorry to hear about your dog. I’ve heard that cancer is very common in dogs, and people too I suppose. I’m sorry for your losses, but it sounds like the experience of loving a dog was well worth it. Thanks for being here and sharing.
I was just thinking about you this morning Katie, as I was walking our “newest addition”, who like yours has turned our world upside down. We have become addicted to Cesar DVDs and doing everything with “calm, assertive energy”, doesn’t always work but we are trying. LOL
Anyway, you are not alone and yes this too will pass for us both. I have been there before but as we get older I think it gets harder.
Hang in there and give Levi a big hug from me.
Gay, yes I’m so trying to channel Cesar’s calm but there are times when I feel like screaming. I feel the kindred spirit of all you lovely dog owners and embrace your words, “this too will pass”. Hugs to your pup too.
Katie: puppies are crazy, cute, fun, frustrating, tiring and so worth the effort. Be consistent in your training and lavish lots of praise and Catherine is right, around 3 years of age he will be a bit more calm
Savour your time with Levi and learn to live with a messy house 
Donna, messy I’m okay with. Family debates about who has spent more time with the dog, I find less enjoyable. We’re all getting there, we all love him but we’re all still adjusting to less me time and more levi time. Thanks for the support.
Katie: I so enjoyed reading your post! I take comfort in knowing that you’re in the same boat as us and that we can share our brother-sister/Levi-Lucy experiences as they grow and become our very best friends
I know it is all worth it. Looking forward to seeing you all very soon.
Anne-Marie
I know it’s all worth it too, Anne-Marie. I can see that, even through the fog. Can’t wait for tonight’s play date with our two lovelies.
Hi Katie,
While I have never had a sweet, super cute puppy come into my life, I can definitely relate to feeling pulled away from yourself. I LOVE that you are reclaiming your life – bit by bit. You’re right that you can run the blender and take naps and do yoga again. You’re going to be a better fuzzy mom because your cup will be full. That’s something that I need to remember (and continue coming back to) when I begin to forget how I fit into this thing called life. If I could, I would send you a full night of sleep. Instead, I’ll send you a whole lot of empathy and love.
Jodi, I think it’s something many of us struggle with. Finding a way to fit time for ourselves into our busy lives without guilt and before it’s too late and we get sick or unhealthy. I made my green smoothie this morning (albeit, I took the blender into the basement so as not to wake the sleeping monster, I mean angel) and I did a half hour of yoga, drank my water, took my vitamins and already feel a little more like me today. Thanks for the love.
It gets better, really. My Dickens is more than a year old, and he still chases his own tail, chews things that shouldn’t be chewed, and barks insanely at things that aren’t there. But I’ve been seeing signs that he’s calming down and trying to fit in. People tell me I’ll miss the puppyness when he grows up. I didn’t believe them at first, but now…
Thanks Jerry. Sounds like your Dickens is a wonderful dog. I have a pretty calm puppy all things considered so I’m not going to complain too much longer. Really just a case of feeling sorry for myself. Lack of sleep will do that.
Hi Katie,
Fun to read, although sounds like things are tiring for you right now. I’ve owned many dogs, but the last one, the one we have now, I felt her puppyhood more than the others. It must be because I am older. It was exhausting – up at the crack of dawn, etc. As you’ve read, it does get better and your puppy will become part of the family. Dogs are always happy to see you, forgiving of just about everything, ready to cuddle at a moments notice and unconditional love. They do become your best friend.
Hi Cathy, thanks for the support and advice. He already is my best friend.
Katie…
What an endearing and ‘ringing true’ quality your post has! Having a puppy become a member of your household can be a tapestry of feelings. You certainly have expressed several of them.
As the ‘caretaker’ of 3 Aussie terriers, I empathize with your fatigue and wondering when your life will bounce back to normal.
Normalcy will return…but with a different flavor. These little beings are full of love, forgiveness, and empathy. I have learned a tremendous from them over the years. Fran
Fran, you are so right about the tapestry of feelings. Different but normal. That sounds okay. xo
i totally get you! i nearly threw my puppy away when i couldn’t control it
now she’s nearly 1 year old (and we are throwing her a party this sunday) and she’s adorable and part of the family and licks me when she knows i’m sad and unhappy
good luck with ur pup!
Noch Noch
I am still a little haunted at times by thoughts of “what have we done?” but I am laughing out loud every day at the funny things this dog does – so I guess he’s a keeper. Thanks for the support, Noch.
Oh my Dear Katie… what an incredibly truthful post, especially to a real live dog whisperer!
I believe that puppies/dogs are placed in our lives to teach us the lessons that we most likely would not have addressed on our own and that our friends and family don’t even dare bring to our attention. They most likely are hiding behind the same issues without definition or recognition.
You will love this dog like nothing else in time.
The skype session is still waiting for you
Aloha wags!
Jt, I think my daughter was placed in my life as a lesson in compassion and letting go my ego and focusing on another’s needs, and now this dog has been placed here too. Maybe you’re right and there is a lesson in all of this.
Perspective is one thing I’m gaining. When I’m tired or sick of playing – I find my mind wandering to a place of “Really katie? Is it that bad? You are a grown woman and this is a 13 week old puppy. You are warm, happy, well-fed, sheltered and healthy.” That’s when I realize that my whining is a waste of time and this lovely creature is showing me how to embrace how fortunate I am.
Thanks for being here for me, Jt. And yes, skype soon.