Do You Have a Chair of Your Own?
Written by Katie Tallo
Today, my mom was telling me about her life as a young married mother of two in the mid 70s. She worked full-time, cooked all the meals, did all the shopping, homework help, vacuumed, dusted, swept, mopped, made homemade bread, weeded an immense garden, cleaned the bathrooms, did the laundry and dishes. We begrudgingly helped a bit.
What strikes her most is not the inequity between herself and her family, but the fact that there wasn’t one chair in the house that was hers – a chair that when she walked in the room no one was sitting in. A chair of her own. She didn’t need an entire room like my stepfather had for his office or my sister and I had for our bedrooms. She just wanted a chair. She thought of asking, but didn’t.
Do you have a chair of your own? A space or even a small pocket of time that’s just yours? A place that no one else occupies or shares with you, that is there waiting for you when you need it?
A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction. ~ Virginia Woolf
It may have been revolutionary back in Virginia Woolf’s day to suggest that a woman needs time and space to be creative, but today it is still a surprisingly radical suggestion. Many of us, women and men, run around in our over-scheduled, hustle-bustle existences quite unaware that we’ve left nothing for ourselves – not one moment, one room or one chair that is ours alone.
Why is it important to create some space and time for yourself?
To Breathe
So that you still yourself long enough to breathe in all that life is and could be.
To Create
So that you have room for your ideas to roam and for creativity to wander.
To Dream
So that you can let yourself think about your desires and your dreams.
To Chill
So that you have time to read, relax, regroup, refresh and feel simple joy.
To Plan
So that you have somewhere to plan and encourage your life’s unfolding.
To Move Forward
So that there is room for momentum to carry you where you want to go.
How do we begin to create time and space for ourselves?
Now in her 70’s, my mother lives in a house of her own. She cooks for herself, keeps her house clean, gardens, reads, records her favourite shows on her VCR, walks to the market and lives a contented life. She has her own den, her own bedroom, her own bathroom, her own kitchen, her own garden, and her very own blue chair at the front window of her cozy living room — a room filled with things she loves – her books, her radio, her prints, her art, her family pictures. It is her chair and no one else sits in it but her.
I ask you again. Do you have a chair of your own? A space or even a small pocket of time that’s just yours?
As I look at my life, at my mother’s life and at the momentum and change that has woven through both our lives and led us each to a place of great contentment, I see that it was by embracing time and space that we both got where we are.
I know that I consciously created time and space in my life in which to breathe, create, dream, chill, plan and then begin to gather this momentum that continues to carry me forward every day towards the life I want. I write about it here on this blog every week and I have also written a small guide that just might help you do the same.
I call it a Life Cleanse Starter Kit, but it’s really a guide to help you create more time and space in your life and kick start your momentum. If you’d like to read more you can sign up to receive my weekly writings and your kit. It’s all free. I hope you enjoy the kit as much as I enjoyed creating it!
Photo by Charlotte Speaks (Charlotte Morrall)
66 Responses to “Do You Have a Chair of Your Own?”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Please share your thoughts...
subscribe
my ebook
My mom had a chair, but she had no time. She was a mom in the 70’s and a working mom at that. Both my parents worked. So between her job and the job that was our house and home, she had no time for her or for her family – and that is her biggest regret.
I don’t have a chair unless you consider my office chair or the chair at our home computer, but I do have space. I have prioritized time differently than my mom did – so my house isn’t spotless but I am a single mom and I prioritize my family and time for myself to do the things you mentioned. I am still working on it though – learning how to do more for me with the realization that the more at peace I am – the better parent I will be and the more I can give to myself and my family.
There is a book called “A Chair of Her Own” for kids – it is good.
I think an office chair counts for sure. But the space you’ve created sounds even more precious – family space. You make a really important point – we are better at everything when we take care of ourselves.
Yes, I have my own chair, though sometimes a cat or teen will borrow it. They’re respectful of it though and will give it up if I appear. It’s a very comfortable recliner and I love that chair.
Alison, I think it still counts even if you share with a cat — the teen on the other hand? Well, if it’s comfie and you love it, teens can be told to move.
Oh my!!! I need to be far more grateful about my chair! I do actually have a chair. When I was only dating G, he gave me a red chair. At the time I thought it was an odd gift, but I loved it. When we had our engagement session (pre-marriage photos)we actually took the chair into the city and included it in our photos. That was the day the chair moved from my place to his place. It now resides in a lovely corner between to windows. It’s my spot to read and dream.
After reading this, I feel an ever deeper appreciation for my red chair.
Aileen, you have a love seat. Now that is special, and very sweet.
I really enjoyed this post very much! We all need to be reminded to go to our secret places to enjoy our quiet time. Thank you for the encouragement!
Timbrel, I like how you call it a “secret” place … makes it sound very private and personal, which it as it should be.
Katie, I love to read your writing
Although I like to be productive and efficient, I resist being overly busy all the time. I haven’t signed my kids up for sports yet, although I know that’s the American thing to do these days. My daughter told me she could practice at home. The other day we made up our own dance routine, now would I be able to do this if I was carpooling and transporting, I think not.
Different things for different folks. I don’t have a chair or a room all to myself. I look for pockets of time to enjoy the quiet or read a good book (or great blog!).
Thank you Marci. I think there’s a big difference between busy and productive. I have friends who are so busy they have no time to even think about spending time on themselves or on their dreams. You’ve found a very sane way to not play the game of “supposed-tos” and instead dance your own way – with just you and your daughter. Lovely and productive.
I’ve always had my own desk chair, but when my daughter (age 26) moved out her room became my office, sanctuary, reading & music room, private space. I put a big comfy reclining chair into it. I love that it’s comfy, not stylish and that it’s mine, all mine. It’s so identified as mine that when my family enters my “sanctuary” I’ve noticed I have to invite them to sit in it.
Eileen, you are an inspiring example of a woman with a room and a chair of her own. Simply wonderful — I can hear in your words just how contented this room of yours, and chair, make you feel.
Katie, it’s SO important – and you express it so well. Here in Italy I have my own small pottery studio that I love. No one goes in there but me. But I am also dreaming – for the future – when innkeeping is in the past for us, my next home will have an office for me with a big chair like Eileen has
and a view comprised of green. And hopefully water. A corner of our own. It’s critical for all the reasons you so beautifully listed.
Diana, every time you describe your life I want to pop over and peek inside at the lovely world you inhabit. A pottery studio sounds sublime. Your dream also sounds sublime — nature and a view are always inspiring.
Katie, how I love the way you talk about the simplist of things, which are actually the most important things in life, such as having our own special space, just for ourselves.
Earlier this year I found “my” chair…or, as I like to say, it found me! It is burgundy in colour, a soft velvety feeling fabric and oh so comfie. My cat sleeps on the high back of my chair, behind my head, and I love to listen to the sleepy-snorty sounds she makes. I’m happy to share with her.
My chair calms my mind and soul at the end of a busy day. I tuck my legs up and can sleep on my chair if I want to, or knit, or read.
Everyone should have their own special place. I’m so pleased to hear that your mother now has hers. She earned it.
You didn’t say…do you have your own chair?
Joanne, I think your purple comfie cat-sharing chair sounds simply purrrrfect. I like how you say “it found you”. I do have a chair? Yes, it’s my office chair in my very own tangerine-coloured room that is just mine. It’s where I write, dream, plan and create. I have a view of large maples, cedar decking and blue reflections from my pool through large glass doors. My room is filled with special books, photographs, my paintings, and all kinds of odds and ends that I love to look at. My chair is very comfortable and my desk is a small beautiful cherry wood piece. Bliss.
My chair is my writing. I take an hour or so each night, plug in some music and allow my soul to be heard.
It’s a comfortable chair that allows me to be creative, dream and slow down.
Alex
Alex, your chair sounds divine.
Katie,
I love how you walked through this post – and how it led me to think about what that “chair” is for me.
There IS a chair – a physical chair – that is a wonderful place for me to go – and to find time (and space) to just think more deeply. The thing is…I don’t visit that chair as much as I’d like to (hmmmm….this is where your words above are especially meaningful…).
And then there’s the chair of time….and for me…that is the early morning hours – and time that is uninterrupted by all else…and something that I value very much in my day…
Katie, your words once again reach out and touch me deeply…thank you….
Hi Lance, I really appreciate how you ‘walk’ so thoughtfully through my writing. I’m glad you have your chairs of space and time that you value so deeply. Likely, they inform and inspire your life and your writing and it shows.
Katie –
I popped over here to read the other comments. When I was pregnant, I bought a green glider. I never could use it as it made me motion sick. As soon as my daughter could walk, she adopted that chair – that was 10 years ago. I have no doubt that the chair “her chair” will go with her wherever she goes. She Shares it with cats and her stuffed dog – but no one sits in that chair but her.
I guess it goes to show that we are never too young to have a chair of our own. Loved this post and the comments that followed.
The Exception, my daughter just bought her first piece of furniture – a big comfy blue chair and she’s 17.
Hi Katie – Beautifully said! I do have a chair of my own – my inexpensive black office chair. It’s where I do most of my writing. I also have unspoken dibs on one of the chairs on our front porch. Funny how a habit leaves an impression for the whole family that it’s “your” chair.
I love how you write. It’s very easy and joyful. Have a lovely day!
Melissa, I think the unspoken family-respected chairs of our own are the best. Somehow it’s a loving gesture from everyone around you that says, “you deserve this”. Thanks for the love.
My husband and I raised our two sons in tiny Japanese homes where there was never enough space to designate and reserve chairs. It was first-come, first-served, and I was usually the last,since I was busy with all those Mom Duties. When my husband was in a gentlemanly mood, he’d offer his chair; other times, he’d ask one of the kids to sit on the floor. Either way, he made sure that I had a place to sit! I don’t remember ever discussing it with him; he just knew that it was important to me.
Rae, those mom duties didn’t go unnoticed. How loving of your husband to know it mattered to you to have a chair when you were ready for it. Thank you for sharing. Aren’t chairs an amazingly complex little piece of furniture. Who knew?
I’ve had several chairs in my life, and a couple of them from childhood have come along for the ride. These days, though, it’s a showdown between me and the cat if I want to sit in a chair in the living room. Alpha Female struggle.
You are right about the Virginia Woolf quote–revolutionary in its time, still rarely achieved today. I really enjoyed this post.
Thank you Meg. I love how so many of you have cat shared chairs. The picture this paints is hilarious because cats are notorious for stretching out, lolling on their backs, curling up in balls, and hissing and swatting at owners who think the chair is theirs when the cat knows better. Have fun with that.
I have a house of my own that I share with my fab man and sweet puppy. And yes, we each have our special space which includes a chair. Thanks Katie your writing inspires me.
Ahhh, a shared place but a little special space of your own inside that — now that sounds like perfection. Thank you Cathy for your support and kindness.
Katie, would you believe I only want my own driveway? Ever since I’ve been an adult I’ve had to share parking or park on the road and one day I would just love a house with a simple private drive space where I can park my own car and say, ‘This is mine’. It’s the little things that are the big things but stupidly it means so much! Weird huh?
Not weird at all John. We want what we want and our little piece of heaven can be a chair, a bed, a sofa or even a driveway. I hope you get that driveway you can call yours one day.
Oh my chair! I do have a chair as well, although it is not with me right now. I left it in Ottawa when I moved to Argentina. But I used to spend countless hours writing, reading and dreaming in it. It was one of my favourite places in the world next to the willow tree I used to perch in along the river. It is still waiting for me though to come and get it again, hopefully I will be able to ship it soon
Chrissie, your chair sounds lovely. I’m an Ottawa girl as well. Your chair sounds like some of my favourite spots in the Arboretum by Dow’s Lake, a beautiful park filled with willows. I hope you get it back soon. All the best in Argentina.
what a great post – and wonderful for me because I love chairs. As you know katie, I’m pretty minimal, but other than my kids’ pictures “for daddy”, the couple of items I’d recover from a burning house are chairs. One is a tiny little chair – it belonged to my dad in the 30s when he was young and then it passed to me. Now it sits in my home for my children and I have no doubt that it will continue its travels through the family (it’s just 18″ high). It has enjoyed at least 4 different colour paints and has been repaired numerous times – it has no financial value whatsoever. The second chair is my first or second most treasured possession – it is a Hans Wenger Wishbone chair (actually I have 2) and it does everything that I believe a chair must do. Wherever, I rest that chair, that’s my home (sorry Paul Young).
Mark, I’m beginning to think that chairs are far more profound than I originally thought. They carry meaning, history and value far beyond money. Your chair sounds like one such chair – a “home”. I love that. Thank you for sharing your story and deepening this discussion.
There were 10 children in our family and my mom had a rocking chair in our very small home. I have wonderful memories of her sitting in that chair while rocking and peeling apples or potatoes on a small afternoon break. (We lived on a produce farm)She’s going to be 90 in Oct. and I haven’t thought of this memory for years. So thanks for taking me back!
Raising four girls my space was outdoors, I began running to get a break and the highway was 11 miles away. I’d run that distance and hubs would pick me up and take me back home.
Now the entire world is my space.One daughter works for Southwest and we fly free anywhere SW flies. And my office is in my home and I have it the entire thing to myself. It’s weird how bad one needs this space when younger and then as you age you have more than enough and can’t possibly fill it all. Not that it would be a good idea too anyway!
Tess, it seems the special chairs in our lives are actually reminders of special people, like your mother. You really have made space for yourself, mentally, physically, spiritually and likely need it more than you realize, but I know what you mean about space opening up as we age. Maybe it’s because we simply let go of all the clutter and open the space ourselves out of an inner knowing.
My fiance & I share a small apartment, but I have a space in our room that is my own for creating & being inspired. I feel like I’m a bubble when I’m in that little corner of our room. Lately I wish I had more time to spend in that space though.
It’s so awesome that you are offering this for free! I just signed up, thank you so much
Can’t wait!
Michelle, good for you for creating that bubble in which to create. Enjoy the starter kit and let it ease you towards finding that time.
Hi Katie, beautiful concept! Having been part of the military pretty much my whole life, both when my parents were in and now myself, I have seen many chairs come and go. In my mom’s house, there were always plenty of chairs…but they were usually all filled with stuff! (My mom is a bit of a pack-rat.)
In college, my roommate and I had mostly cheap and hand-me-down chairs…but we loved them, because there were OURS. Well let me rephrase that…they were mostly hers, so when I moved out, I didn’t have a chair to my name!
When I got my first very own apartment, my first chair was a bar stool that I scooted up to the counter (much cheaper than buying a whole table to go with the chair).
Now that my husband and I are living in our first home, I finally have a “dream room” to myself. I have my desk in there, a fireplace, and an old comfy couch that my dad gave me. What more could a girl ask for?
Adrienne, my husband’s an army brat too and has told me about the life of instability it can be. Maybe that’s why he loves our home now. Likely, your first home has very deep meaning for you because you’ve felt that instability too. It’s probably what has partly led you to create this dream room – sounds heavenly!
Your mother’s present life sounds lovely. I spent years surrounded by kids (loved them!) with no chair, space, or time of my own. As the nest emptied, I started claiming space and time. These days, I rise early and spend a couple of hours doing whatever I want. I’ve also claimed several spaces (my office and a sitting area) as ‘mine.’ These practices, which sound rather selfish on the surface, end up filling me with a greater desire and energy to give to others.
Love your kit SO much!!! Thanks for this special gift.
Jean, it really shows in your writing and how you live your life that the space and time you’ve claimed for yourself is well deserved, fruitful and very unselfish. I’m sure your kids agree.
Yup, I got a chair of my own and I sit on it for 12 hours a day until my back hurts, and I become dead tired… then I head to bed… I have my own bed as well ^_^
Julia, sounds painful.
Katie, the life cleanse kit is gorgeous! What a wonderful thing you’ve given us!
Does your mother teach a course on how to be a superwoman?
As for a chair of my own, good point. I’m lucky because there are only three of us at home which ensures there’s plenty of room to park the caboose. Though more importantly, I have learned to claim a pocket of time that’s just mine. It’s a must, I think, for anyone who wants to be healthy and stay sane in this crazy world. And your post reminds me that so much of what we need to feel satisfied, to be happy, to thrive are all things we already have and can access from within. Like that pocket of time. No one else can give it to me but me.
Belinda, I’m so glad you like the kit. Superwoman I am not, but like you, there are only three of us in our house and that means space for parking my caboose and getting things done without interruption. That is a luxury that I know some people just don’t have, or don’t give themselves. AS you say, only we can give it to us and only we create the circumstances in which we can enjoy those pockets of time. I’m glad you’ve found yours, it is reflected in your writing and a gift to all of us.
I wrote a post a while back about gratitude and how it has changed my life. I do have a chair of my own. It is old and worn and legless, (I took the legs off). I love it, and I am grateful for it every day.
I live alone, so in reality it is much easier for me, but it isn’t always easy to find a space to allow yourself to just sit. I am only just beginning to do that, and failing as often as not.
But I do have a chair.
Thank you for a lovely post!
Jenny, your legless chair sounds kind of funny. Low to the ground is what I’m picturing but maybe the legs were small. Either way, it’s yours and you are making space for it and all that it represents. Gratitude is a wonderful emotion to sit with. Thank you for your sweet comment.
Katie,
My mom can be your mom’s twin sister, at least in not having her own chair/space. She never said anything and your post made me realize, she could have sure used it, as she was not only mother, but a author, poetess and entrepreneur in her own way.
Now, she has her own space and own laptop and all, but I wish I could have sensed it when I was younger. Lot of things we do not realize until we are bit mature. Thanks for reminding me to be one.
Preeti, your mom sounds wonderful. It’s a wonder she did she do so much without a space or chair of her own. I, too, did not recognize my mother’s needs at a young age. Self absorbed youth I guess and believing our mothers are just moms and not women with feelings and emotions. We can’t go back but we can respect and honour their needs now.
Now why did this busy woman who managed all these accomplishments never speak up and state her need? Did she have such a small sense of self esteem that she couldn’t? I know we were raised to be dependant while still being independant in those days, but there seems to be an underlying problem here that she felt she couldn’t do this.
Most definitely, Ruth. She had a very low sense of self esteem back then, for many personal reasons. She came into her own a little later in life and reclaimed her sense of self worth thus her lovely circumstances today. I’m very proud of her and where she is now.
Katie, your poor Mom! I think mine must’ve suffered similar frustrations but for me, I have far too many things that I call my own. My own space. My own time. My own hobbies. My own plans. I live life absolutely on my own terms and it’s my needs I see to first before others – I really believe this is hte key to happiness. Some call it selfish, some have worse names for it but the happiest people have many “chairs of their own” – and really, what else matters besides our happiness, especially if we have done no harm to anyone else when pursuing it….the family is not harmed, the husband is not getting any less attention and if I had children, they’d be happier if their Mom were happy first….(but I don’t because I am sure they’d take over all my chairs
)!
Farnoosh, I could tell you were a woman with many chairs … and one who lives on her own terms. Lovely. Keep it up.
Katie, Thanks for another beautiful post. My yoga mat is my favorite chair and no matter where I put it, it is always welcoming and always delivers. Whether I am looking to breathe, create, chill, plan, move forward or curl up, it always has just what I need. Thanks for making me appreciate my chair in the world.
Not everyone notices, but there is a huge difference between having a personal space, even if it is restricted to a single chair, and having nothing to call our own. It can lead to frustration and an increasing difficulty to enjoy life as it is. I do think that everyone should get that one special chair. If it provides some nice massages, then it’ll feel even better to sit there!
Chris, I love how you have chosen to gently and genuinely “sell” your product here by embracing the conversation that’s going on. Admirable indeed. Thanks for stopping by.
I think your first point is to “breathe” not “breath.”
Why is it important to create some space and time for yourself?
To Breath
No idea why, but breath and breathe are two words I always get wrong. My brain just doesn’t hear the right one. Thanks for the head’s up. I corrected it.