How Unconditional Is Your Love?
This is a guest post written by my dear friend, Tess Marshall of The Bold Life.
Three billion people on the face of the earth go to bed hungry every night, but four billion people go to bed every night hungry for a simple word of encouragement and recognition. ~ Robert Cavett, Public Speaker & Lawyer
It’s easy for me to love perfect strangers. As a child, my mom would lead us in prayer when we witnessed a car accident. She taught us to make the sign of the cross when we passed by a cemetery and we often left a bag or two of groceries on the doorsteps of struggling, church families.
I am who I am today because I witnessed a lifetime of my parents’ good deeds. It’s because of their influence that I have a love for all of humanity.
I wave drivers permission to cut in front of me in traffic. I pay someone’s bill when a wallet is forgotten. I donate money to The Smile Train, The Wounded Warriors, and street musicians. I carry bottled water in my car to offer construction workers on sweltering hot days. I’ve volunteered in soup kitchens and an orphanage in Mexico. I’ve cleaned up after hurricanes and counseled the imprisoned. I’ve worked in rehab centers and have counseling the homeless. I go out of my way to thank the staff cleaning airport bathrooms and hotel rooms. I tip generously.
I don’t struggle at all with strangers. My difficulty lies in loving the people that are closest to me.
I struggle, with the most wonderful people in the world, my closest family members and friends.
My son-in-laws make me crazy. A neighbor’s barking dog can put me over the edge. A girlfriend who smothers me with kindness is ignored. A grandchild who doesn’t send a thank-you card has a strike against them. I allow petty stuff to steal my joy.
They are my biggest teachers and their lesson – how to love without conditions. I have become a very good student. I have learned to love, especially when I don’t feel very loving.
Love Is Letting Go
When my daughter was a senior in high school, she left home to live with her boyfriend. I was devastated.
My wise friend Judy consoled me and suggested that each time I thought of her, I see her with a smile on her face. I also put a photo of her on my night stand and told her, ‘I love you,’ before falling asleep at night.
In my mind, I would also “see” things going well for her. I forgave her and I forgave myself. Eventually the loving energy I created helped me let go of my sadness and hurt. I set both of us free.
Love Isn’t Always Easy
For years I went unaware that one of my four daughters was very angry with me. She hid it very well and also lived out of state.
I was a very young and inexperienced mother. I could understand where her anger came from. What upset me was that no matter how I tried I couldn’t change the way she felt.
Unable to undo the damage or make progress, even with a third party, we mutually agreed to stop speaking and spending time together. During that time, I created a vortex of love by taking responsibility for my part in the relationship. It took 18 months before I could completely see my part in the conflict. When I did only the love I felt for both of us remained.
Six months later she knocked on my kitchen door and entered with a box of my favorite cookies, like time has stood still. The more love you offer others, the more loving and fulfilling experiences you’ll have.
Love is action. Love is work.
I have a morning spiritual routine which helps keep me centered and loving throughout the day. I also hold myself accountable by attending a study/support group twice a month.
When I’m tempted to get entangled in the pettiness and negativity of the world, I often use the ancient Hawaiian healing technique, Ho’oponopono, as a mental cleansing, several times a day. This method includes the mantra, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.” Doesn’t that says it all?
Offering Love, Support & Happiness Is A Choice
When you recognize a connection to all human beings it becomes easier to choose and offer love.
We all want to love, to be loved, and to know that we matter.
Keep these three universal needs in mind when you are experiencing any difficulty with a spouse, a stranger, or a politician halfway across the world.
We can choose to love others from afar by offering them blessings, which means to encourage, enhance, and uplift with words and thoughts.
By sending a blessing you are sending a deep intention and wish for a person to flourish.
When you put yourself in the flow of love, blessings have the power to cause incredible changes in our minds, bodies, and hearts. Blessings give us the power to help shift our perception in spite of any past error.
How to Love Unconditionally
- Love others the best you can, from where you are.
- Begin today.
- Recognize the good in everyone.
- Wish others well.
- Be a loving presence.
- Bring service to the world.
- See good things happening for others.
- Offer others hope.
- Bring internal love to an external experience.
- Offer gratitude and appreciation.
- See beyond imperfection and flaws.
- Speak kindly of everyone.
- Put yourself on a giving program, be generous.
- Transform judgment into acceptance.
- Imagine that each person you meet has an invisible sign around his neck that states, “Make me feel special”.
- Cease to be at war with anyone.
- Expand your capability for love and kindness.
Learn to love everyone.
I know any problem I have with someone is never about them. It’s always about me. I am 100% responsible for the state of my relationships. I’m the only one whose behavior I have control over. I’m the one projecting my unhealed “stuff”.
When things aren’t going well I have the freedom to change my thoughts, words, and actions. My personal happiness lies in a shift in perception and my willingness to forgive.
Be grateful for your most difficult moments. This is where you find purpose and meaning. This is where you discover unlimited opportunities for greatness. This is where you learn to love unconditionally.
Tess Marshall is a speaker, author, fear shattering, calculated risk taker, obsessed with being bold. Her blog The Bold Life is a juicy mix of inspiration, spirituality, and personal development. Download for free her guide, Peace, Love & Connection and follow her on Twitter and Facebook.
37 Responses to “How Unconditional Is Your Love?”
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It’s a really good post, Tess. Very clear. There’s something here that I can clearly relate to – even though it’s a little hard for me to admit it. xoxo
Diana,
You don’t have too! This is universal stuff and part of being human. Thanks for stopping by. I’m sending love back at you!
Great piece! It definitely helps one to relate to others by remembering the reverse: that their anger is about their unhealed issues, not about you. It helps in forgiveness and being able to see others in a positive light.
The phrase that I use when I’m frustrated with someone is “that’s their best.” Everyone is doing his/her best all the time, no exceptions. They may have a limited view of the world or a perspective that is unhelpful or even harms others, but with their psychological or emotional limitations, they are doing their absolute best.
Paul,
Yes that is so true. I don’t have to take anything personally. I have enough of my own ’stuff.’ I don’t like taking on the issues of others. However I do often find myself wanting to play in my adult children’s backyard;)
“That’s their best.” That’s a huge gift you’ve given me. I never heard it put like that before. Yes…no exceptions. I appreciate you sharing your wisdom here.
Wow, this post feels like it was sent from God, through you & directly to my soul. Thank you for this post <3
Denise
Denise,
I’m happy to be used as a channel;) I’m here only to be truly helpful! You’re welcome.
Tess, lovely to ’see’ you here! I appreciate your vulnerability & honesty; thank you for sharing your experiences in order to empower others in their relationships. It’s easy to think that we’re the only ones who struggle to act with love in our closest relationships, until someone comes along with the courage to admit how tough it can be.
Thank you!
Caroline,
Your welcome! I think I get extra practice because I came from a big family and decided to have a big family. Courage? Yes, you wouldn’t expect anything different for The Bold One, right:)
Hi Katie & Tess,
I would venture to say that the only people who don’t struggle with being more compassionate and unconditionally loving toward those closest to them are saints!
I am no saint – and I can relate to this article very well.
We don’t have attachments and baggage to deal with when we are dealing with strangers but we do when it comes to our loved ones.
I think your tips were spot on Tess.
Love is always the answer.
Hi Angela,
Isn’t that the truth! I don’t know anyone who can walk on water. Do you? Thanks for all the support you give me. I’m grateful. xo
Fabulous post – so vulnerable, so human. I too find it easier to be very giving and warm to strangers. Hey, there’s no expectations involved – just a feel-good feeling. And I too have a lot of difficulty being benevolent and letting things go with those closest to me. I struggle with that. Too many conditions, expectations, needs to be met, etc. It is so much harder to just be unconditionally giving. ‘My criticalness’ surfaces way too much.
It’s a work in progress. I try with mediation and self-talk and continued hope that I will improve.
Hi Harriet,
You nailed it with that feel good stuff. I know my expectations are too high for myself and others. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We only need to have a little willingness to improve. My friend Jacob says to take ‘penquin steps.’ And we only need to forgive ourselves and move on. I appreciate your honesty and openness.
Wow. What a thought provoking post.
I am married to an inspirational speaker. He has summitted Mt. Everest and is the only man to do it with one arm. He speaks of compassion and giving often and does much of it in his life. Yet there are times when I feel like I’m the only person alive he has no compassion for. It’s not true, but it feels like it sometimes. Of course I’ve said it out loud in moments when we were having a bit of a spat over something stupid. Still I know the impact is there when I actually say it.
But the reason I’m making a comment on this post is because it made me realize that I act the same towards him sometimes too. I get so caught up in my world that I forget to hear what this person who is with me all the time is saying, or thinking or feeling sometimes. I’m Aquarian as well. Very creative. Very loyal. Sometimes not so compassionate.
I know that I have said the “you are compassionate to everyone else in the world but me” comment to him and it’s really me I’m talking about too. Cause that’s the way it goes. When pointing a finger there are 3 more pointing back at oneself.
It’s probably why I have such close bonds with all of my dogs over my life. They are the quintessential model of unconditional love!
Thank you for such a personal post. It brings a lot real things to the surface for those who read it to think about.
“Love” your post Tess. How true, it is so much easier to reach out to those we don’t know because we have no emotional connection with them. We can have expectations of our loved ones that are not being met in our eyes and that’s where I can sometimes get into trouble. Learning to let those I love live their lives in whatever form they may chose has been a gift. It was a lesson that came the hard way, but sometimes those are the best. Having compassion for my family members and close friends is something I try to remember at all times.
Cathy,
”
” Learning to let those I love live their lives in whatever form they may chose has been a gift.” A while back we talked about topics for your blog. Because this is your gift I think it would be an excellent topic. It can’t be said enough. Others are entitled to live their life in whatever form they may choose. I think there is even a possible book inside you;) xo
Jt,
Thanks for leaving such a self-revealing comment. When we become ‘real’ we give permission to do the same.
Often we want others to give us what we won’t give ourselves. My guess is that you have more compassion for others than you do for you. So if you wouldn’t mind some homework list the last three times you could have offered yourself compassion but didn’t. Then make up for that by being more gentle with yourself in the future. are worthy of it.
You inspired me today, thank you.
Bev,
Thank you for reading my post and taking the time to tell me you appreciated it. Have a great Tuesday.
And thanks for the beautiful post about love, Tess. It seems you’ve inspired many with your authenticity and pure joy for life. I’m so glad you dropped by for a visit. xo
Katie,
Your welcome, I’m enjoying all your friends. I’ve learned as much in the comments as they think they’ve learned from me. Isn’t life grand?
Thank you so much for your words Tess, and for sharing your unique, loving, and yes, bold spirit. I loved every word, but even more than that, I loved the spirit that flows through the words.
I want you to know it is a blessing, and an expanding blessing to get to know you better. I’m very glad also to spend some time at Katie’s site and I will be back here.
A remarkable journey we are on together. So happy to be sharing it with you. Say hi to Katie for me won’t you?
Hi Christopher! Glad you’ve found your way to my blog. Do drop by again. Yes, this journey is remarkable if we choose to love it and each other.
Hi Christopher,
You are so kind and I appreciate the compliment coming from a wise friend like you. Like I said earlier today, you can call me anytime you want to talk blogging;) And also someday I hope come visit you and Joanne in person! xo
I’m going to write out those dot points this morning, and tape them somewhere noticable. If everyone acted on them everyday, the world would be far more full of love and grace.
Amazing post. Thanks you
Eva,
Thanks for taking action. Everything we do counts. Your change will effect everyone around you. And more ripples from there. I’m glad I could help.
i find also, that with our closest ones we love, we tend to be more critical and judgmental of
but a little bit of compassion
eating up that hateful word you are about to say
just stop and calm down
makes it more easier to love
and to see things from their perspectives
Hi,
It’s so true…my chosen word for the year is ’softening.’ Don’t ya love it. I’m not sure how much I’ve grown. Guess we could take a poll and ask my family!
Thank you, Tess, and Katie too for hosting this touching post. So right on. And Tess? I’ve watched you spread love all over the blogosphere. It’s great to hear you talk your walk for us! Cheers.
You’re funny Patti. I feel safe over here at Katie’s. My kids don’t read her blog. However I did add a link. If they would give me permission to share I my blog would blow up! LOL Seriously out loud. The oldest is 39 so I have that many years of stories times four. Oh I can’t forget hubs. Heck they’re still giving me stories.xo
thank you for your touching post.
i love how you were real about how long it takes to heal, forgive and see our role in whatever conflict we’re facing. i’ve got some stuff i’ve been working on for YEARS!!!
growing up i was told i was too soft and too sensitive and naive for seeing the best in others. i have had to learn how to see the best in people and see them for who they are without idealizing them.
i’ve recognized i have this tendency to hold on to stuff for so long for a false sense of protection. and in the end, i’m hurting myself because all i really want is to love without the fear of being hurt. when you practice ho’ponopono and taking 100% for how you’re feeling, it builds up the courage to release this fear and trust that you can walk through the world with an open heart and it actually feels much “safer” to do so.
loved this piece! thank you:-)
Hi Tess and Katie,
Wonderfully written and including many truths in which I’m sure we all share.
Thank you &
be good to yourself
David
Thanks David for your kind words!
Tess,
I think this is my all time favorite of all the posts that you have written! There is profound wisdom here gained from the human sadness and pain we all face each and everyday. Thank you for teaching us how to love unconditionally.
Sandra,
Thanks for you loving words. Katie has a way of bringing out the best in people. It showed up in my writing here. I know you’ve read my blog for a long time so your words mean a lot.
Came across you blog today, and so glad I did!