I Am Afraid
I am afraid that I am not strong enough – not the woman I want to be. I am afraid that I do not have the strength to change. I am afraid I am fat, old and naïve.
Yes, fear makes me loath myself. Fear makes me unkind. I am afraid it is too late – that I am not enough of all the things that others seem to be — that I don’t have what it takes. I am afraid I am a slave to my long-lived-with habits, my comfortable routines, my safe life. I am afraid I might be insane.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein
Yes, I have been here before. I have begun countless new and amazing diet, healthy living, cleanse, fitness, exercise and workout routines. I have embraced this fad and that new craze, bought the books, the right shoes, the supplements and the recommended paraphernalia. I’ve started, sustained, sputtered and stalled. I’ve begun again, revved up, reversed and retreated. I’ve done it so often I’m sick of trying, sick of failing, sick of picking myself back up and dusting myself off. I’m afraid I just don’t have it in me to keep on trying. Yes, this is where I am today – this place of over-and-over-again – this place of where-do-I-begin-now – this place of fear.
Today is defined by fear … but I will not be.
Yes, I have failed. Yes, I am afraid. But, inside my sputtering journey and my dusty tracks is evidence of a deep desire to change, a passion for good health and the courage to continue. Fear is simply today’s fuel. Fear alerts me to the embers stirring in the core of my being. Fear awakens me and warns me. Fear ignites me.
Today, my fear coats me, but tomorrow I will begin anew – insane or not. I will tear off the cloak of fear and turn, exposed and vulnerable, in another direction. I will not commit to a new routine or diet that won’t work, but I will move, as though my life depends on it (and it does) in the direction of my well being. Because wellness is what I’ve been looking for in all of those routines, those crazes, those books.
Simple, beautiful, life-affirming wellness.
And so tomorrow, when I wake, drink, eat and move, I will think of my well being. I will be kind to myself, believe in myself and be flexible. I will follow my instincts and my pace. I will have fun. I will slowly and gently move towards new and healthy ways of being. I will ask for support.
I will start by pushing through the heavy, sticky goo of fear that currently surrounds my subconscious and mucks up my passion, my drive, my focus and my strength and I will burst out of that cocoon – strong, loving and ready. Then, I will fly.
My friend Laurie-Anne inspired this post. Together, she and I are beginning a supportive journey towards wellness tomorrow. Join us, won’t you? Let wellness be your new habit.