I Am Listening
There’s a sound in the distance that grows louder every day. Only I can hear it — my own dog whistle, perhaps. When I’m quiet it can be deafening and a sadness wafts over me.
It’s the sound of my inner weirdo screaming to be heard. It’s the sound of the old woman I’ll be one day begging me to listen. It feels like the sound of words unwritten, promises broken, moments unlived. It feels like the sound of shame and doubt and regret and fear.
“The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.” ~ Steven Pressfield, The War of Art
Like a bird I flit from list to list, from tweet to tweet, from chore to chore, from excuse to excuse, trying to avoid hearing that this not-so-solid ground is where I’m supposed to land – this ground into which I might sink, or at least have to dig into very deeply – this ground that might be excruciatingly difficult to navigate, leaving me vulnerable and alone.
That’s when I want the noise to stop – but she won’t stop. She has not stopped my whole life. Why? Because I’ve been wrong about her and she’s trying to tell me that. She’s not against me. She’s not ashamed of me. She is not hateful. She just wants me to trust her.
“Trust in what you love, continue to do it, and it will take you where you need to go.” ~ Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones
And now that I’ve truly begun to listen to her, I can hear the note of encouragement, strength and love in her rhythmic beckonings. The more I calm myself and stop straining to shut her out, the more clearly and sweetly the sound resonates in my soul.
And when I listen with my whole heart, I hear, not the sound of unwritten words, broken promises or unlived moments. Instead, I hear the sound of words written, promises kept and moments lived. My inner weirdo is actually rooting for me, and that old woman, well she thinks I’m the cat’s ass. I’m listening, I’m trusting that the ground is ready for my landing.
I know now what the sound is. It is the sound of my true voice – and it’s the one and only sound I need listen to. I’m all ears.
16 Responses to “I Am Listening”
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Katie,
Each time I read a piece of yours, I think you must be lurking behind my eyeballs! How I so relate to the constant rumination of my inner weirdo! You’ve managed to capture my lifetime struggle in a few paragraphs; now that I’ve read them, I give myself permission to not only listen, but to stay weird.
Thanks for being you.
Beth / B Here Today
Beth, I’m happy you connected so much with what I wrote. It’s lovely to have fellow weirdos along for the ride.
Hello Katie, Your words touch me deeply. Thanks for your deep sharing from your heart. I am currently peeling back some of my own layers and find myself dancing more in my living room and in my life. This present moment can be very sweet when we let aliveness move through us.
Jeanette, dancing in the living room. Oh yeah! I need to get back to that. I forgot how much the dog loves that — sadly he’s too big now to carry so we’ll have to work out a new step. Here’s to the sweetness of right now.
I hope you inner weirdo never stops talking to you, because she is so right! You have a gift of delivering the innermost truths and struggles in a beautifully crafted creation. Love it!
Marci my friend, I have a feeling my inner weirdo is just getting started. Thank you for the amazingly supportive and encouraging words. You’re the best.
This post–as so many on this blog do–grabbed by heart and makes me feel like my own soul is being spoken! Katie, your writing is beautiful, and even though I don’t know you, you’ve touched me in a personal way and inspired me these last few months to LISTEN to my own voice! Thank you.
Lisa, thank you for that. I’m a little choked up. I am truly lucky to have readers such as you. I’m so glad you are listening to your own voice. Let it sing.
What a wonderful relationship you have with yourself. So curious and open.
Perhaps the sadness is because this voice has wanted to be heard for so long and now is.
You truly deserve to love yourself in every way. Congratulations!!
Jerry, I think writing has helped create that relationship. You hit the nail on the head regarding my sadness. Thank you for your support and compassion.
Whenever i feel this way, I look back to my own center. What is my purpose? What are my values? The voice usually screams the loudest when I have gotten too far away from who I am and why I am here. The more I stay centered and focused on the right things, the more that the voice within is rewarding and supportive, rather than harsh and judgemental.
Andrew, what great insight and really great questions to ask. I think for me, it’s not so much that I’m far, it’s that I’m ready. But you are right. I need to listen to the supportive side, not her shadow. Thank you.
Hi Katie,
A poetic post and so true, it is amazing what we hear when we think to listen to our inner voice, it is always there to guide us and never to mislead us. We just need to listen and trust it.
Regards
Rob
So true Robert. Thanks for stopping by and listening.
I loved this post. I feel as if it is written for me. I wish your inner self never stop guiding you. Thank you for this post and keep writing such posts.