I Am No One
This morning I took a leisurely walk through my favourite arboretum. I couldn’t seem to work myself up to a good stride or break into a run. My pace was deliberately slow.
The arboretum is an emerald oasis where the sun filters through each tree in a different way.
The park was abuzz with a million cicadas hidden in the shadowy dancing light surrounding swampy ponds, freshly cut lawns and a shimmering lake. Some of the trees are over 120 years old – enormous old broads, their bark deeply ridged by gravity, time, weather and shifting soil.
I walked slowly because it seemed necessary to feel the park, to hear it, to bear witness to the small gray pebbles at the path’s edge that used to consume my attention for hours when I was a child – to the dewy grass, to the sway of the wispy willow branches just like the ones I climbed in my tomboy days in our back yard – to bear witness to what this garden had to tell me.
“Don’t think of the coming year and what it will bring, rather settle into the now of this season. Rest, reflect, prepare. Listen. There is a story the earth has to tell you.” ~ Patrick Lane, There Is A Season
Up ahead on the path, two men strolled towards me. They wore bright saffron robes from their necks to their ankles. Monks? Ghosts? A sign? I read somewhere that monks wear the colour of autumn leaves to remind them that everything falls and so it is important not to cling to earthly things, but to simply let go.
I am not a monk. Indeed I am something of a control freak. Ego bound. Head strong. I want to plan, re-shape, grasp and organize everything and everyone. But if hundred year old trees can topple in a strong wind, if the sun can dance in a completely different way with each leaf it touches, if monks can find their way into a park and cross my path, then nothing is permanent, certain, predictable or knowable.
And so I will stop trying to hold it all together, organize, list, sort, set goals, colour code or plan for another day. I will stop focusing on changing who I am. I will stop rushing. Because on this day, on this path, on this page, in this body, mind and life I don’t really need to be anyone at all.
As every illusory idea of who we are is stripped off, we can finally experience the quivering freedom of not needing to be anyone at all.” ~ Ezra Bayda, Saying Yes to Life
The earth is telling me to go easy, to lessen judgment, slow my pace, quiet my mind, ease my soul and gather a different kind of momentum than the kind found in drama, worry, desperation, want, fear and self obsessed thoughts of past and future. That kind of momentum moves in fits and starts, then peters out.
The kind found in the here and now is momentum built on kindness, love, gentle acceptance, forgiveness, struggle, challenge, and mystery.
Today in the park, I walked along. I was there — no one in particular, just there. I’ve run through that park several other times this week without really seeing or hearing it. I’ve had my ears plugged with mindless inner chatter and my heart veiled by limits, rules, shoulds and daydreams.
Today I listened. Today I felt my way along its glorious pathways. Today I heard the sound of momentum. It was not loud or forceful. It was a soft whisper in the willows.
This is a beautiful essay, Katie! And just what I needed to read near the end of a hectic week that has keft me wanting to reconnect with nature, and movement (my job is fairly sedentary). Thanks for the inspiration and reminder to BE HERE NOW.
Allison, I’ve received a few emails from people saying this very thing “just what I needed to read”. We are a stressed out world. Reconnecting with nature is the perfect antidote to a hectic lifestyle. I recommend long, slow walks in the park of your choice. I hope you try it. Thank you for your lovely comment.
Katie, what a blessing this post was for me today. In addition to its pure poetry, it captured how I felt as I walked alongside an arboretum to attend the funeral + burial of a dear friend + L’Arche family member today.
Thank you for giving us the gift of presence + slowing down…the space to hear the whispers.
Hi there Caroline, lovely to see you here. I’m sorry you’ve had sadness in your life, but I’m sure that arboretum of yours brought you comfort and I’m glad my words brought you some as well. Much love.
Katie,
It’s so nice to “hear” your voice again. I was thinking of you recently and wondered how you were. walking, enjoying and just listening to life sounds heavenly. I’m so glad you’re enjoying this time.
Angela, it has been too long, dear friend. I have been enjoying life, been listening, walking, de-cluttering my space, not doing as much writing as I had wanted to when summer began, but I suppose that’s why they are referred to as the lazy days of summer. xo
Love this…thank you. And I love the quotes…
Thank you so much for saying so Liane. I love those quotes too. They truly resonated with me. The first book is one of my all time favourites and the second is a new discovery recommended by a dear friend. Enjoy them if you get a chance.
Beautiful thoughts, beautifully written. THANK you!!
Kristin, thank YOU for letting me know you enjoyed my writing. Always appreciated.
Beautifully written and exactly what I needed to heart this morning. Your message could not have come at a more perfect time.
You are truly gifted in the written word.
Continue in Magnificence and teachings:-)
Janine, thank you. I love that you mistakenly typed “heart” instead of “hear”. Or did you? Either way, it’s a great slip towards a lovelier meaning. Your comment is very warmly appreciated.
Lovely, thoughtful post … may you go well today.
Alexa, thank you for the lovely blessing. And may you go well today also.
Katie, you really came full circle with this post! I love the meandering through the arboretum’s paths, how it weaves with those voices we hear; but moreso, how we eventually come to that ‘Aha’ moment of realization, only to be gotten from the Now! Lovely read.
Denise, I’m so glad you took the journey with me, riding along with my ideas, thoughts and words like a friend along for a stroll. Thank you.
Beautiful words, Katie. I was just thinking about you this week, thinking of inviting you to be interviewed for my blog, but didn’t want to stir you from your writing. Shall I welcome you back or just in for a quick hello?
Marci, I am happy you are here once again. Your appreciation for my writing is simply lovely. I’m back but taking things slower and then I’m off to Italy in two weeks for an adventure. I’d love to be interviewed if you’ve time next week.
This is so beautiful Katie!
I often spend time wandering around my beautifully wooded neighborhood just simply being and enjoying my surroundings.
The thing is, there always seem to be so few people around this heavily populated area, and I wonder why anyone would stay inside and miss all of the beauty.
We would all be so much better off if we took the time to “wonder around” and just be…
Thank you!
Thank you Jenny Ann, “wonder around” — I love it. I mean what’s the rush? Road rage, harried shoppers, rushed deadlines, what’s the all fired hurry to get to the next block or milestone. Let’s all simply “wonder around” more.
Aww, I love the pace of this post. It’s exactly how I’ve been feeling the past few weeks since separating from the Air Force. Every once and awhile I feel as though I should be working harder or doing more, but I’ve been shushing that voice for the time being. I’ve finally been truly enjoying the moment. There will always be time for more work and getting things done, but now is a time for being and experiencing.
It’s great to be strolling alongside you once again, Katie!
Adrienne, congratulations on your newfound freedom. Enjoy your time just being and experiencing. Maybe it will become a habit — maybe the need to “do” and “work”, will be give way to the desire to “live” and “explore”.
Very beautiful, deep, and profound. So happy to see you accessing this new layer of wisdom and writing about it in such an eloquent way.
Sandra, I must thank you for this comment. It means a great deal coming from such a powerful writer as yourself. I’m glad you felt it as you did. xo
A very insightful essay you have here Ms. Cathy!
I am very much refreshed upon reading your wonderful message. I do hope most people start the day with reading this.
Thanks so much Olry. Do share it.
Keep posting because its nice to read this to start the day.
Thank you, Hannamay. That is nice to know. I shall do my best.
Your thought are pretty deep. But it’s a good thing you made contact with your inner self. Sometimes we get so attached to worldly things that we tend to forget what are the more important things in life.
Thank you Eisen. You’re right, that attachment to stuff can blind us. I still have too much but I’m beginning to want less and that’s a start.
Monks are really amazing isn’t it? They live a life with no attachment to material things but purely spiritual and a life of prayer.
Say, I’m amazed by them too. They live the opposite to how most westerners live. We can learn a lot from even being monk-like for a day.
It is difficult to have a monastic life. But their life is much more meaningful than ours. As I truly believe so.
Hey Kin, I hope meaning can be found in any life and not just the monastic one, but I think we can learn much from them.
The post included deep point of view while walking in the park. And I admire how you carefully detailed everything that you observe at that time. Perhaps I could relate since I have to ponder few thoughts when I stayed on the park. And I also got the feeling of peacefulness and serenity too.
Stephan, I think being in nature is one of the best ways to feel peace and serenity. I’m glad you found it there too.
This is very inspirational post…Thanks for sharing it to us…
Clark, I’m so glad you found it inspiring. I’m happy to share.
I enjoyed reading your post… The quotes are interesting. Hope to read more from you…Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Charie. I hope you read more as well.
Hi Katie,
Thank you for this post. It’s a good reminder that all we really have is this moment. The past has already happened and the future is yet to come. Now is when were we are! I remember all the worries and concerns that I’ve had over time. Planning and re-planning the future… But when the future becomes now, it is different from my perception of it each time. And usually, it’s not so bad after all!
Thanks again,
Vlad
Vlad, I hear you. I have tried to teach my daughter this very thing. She is often anxious about things to come, things that have not happened, and often don’t happen. It helps her to reflect back on past fears and see that they didn’t manifest. Thanks for sharing your insights.