I Am Weird
“In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they’re still beautiful.”
Alice Walker, author, poet, activist
I have a weird bent – a shadow side. Example; I’m infatuated with cupcakes – vanilla ones specifically. They’re like a secret lover. When I break down and buy them, I feel like I just bought crack from the neighbourhood dealer – in this case, Three Bakers and A Bike who, hands-down, make the best icing on the face of any planet. When I bring cupcakes home I hide them, sometimes out of shame, but mostly because I don’t want to share them. They mean that much to me. They mean too much to me.
There is still a weird little girl inside me who stresses about getting her fair share, who is anxiety ridden at the thought of picking a bedroom in a reality TV mansion based purely on who gets to the bed first. She’s petty, foolish, judgmental and slightly ridiculous. When she eats too many cupcakes, she feels more deeply disturbed than a cupcake ought to make a person feel.
I’m not sure anyone would relate to this shadowy slice of my psyche so I keep her wrapped in layers of what I imagine people would prefer — someone less sugar-obsessed for starters, someone more mature, someone more grounded. But in veiling my shadow side, I risk playing it safe and losing myself. I risk living my life half-heartedly, because truth be told, she is actually quite wonderful.
She’s the one who likes to dance with the dog. She’s the one who talks to herself when she’s alone, often in a British accent. She’s the one who’s been listening to the same twenty songs for what seems like a decade. She’s the one who is afraid she might be old, but still feels so damn young. She’s the one who gets bummed out by the fact that she might not ever get her shit together in time, but she’s not even sure what “in time” really means. She loves to wallow in self pity and could care less about being grateful or evolved or empowered or some other self-help-yada-yada. She’s the tough one, the angry one, the self-absorbed one.
She is part of me, but not all of me. She is my inner weirdo — my crazy bit that lurks in the shadows scratching at the padded door of my soul.
Do we all have these deeper and darker selves that are far from perfect and somewhat pitiful? Probably, but I can’t be certain and she doesn’t care. Because it’s my inner weirdo who has become my creative muse and it’s her who has stormed onto the pages of my novel as a full-blown character, at once despicable and lovable. And yes, she adores cupcakes just a little too much. She is my shadow. She is my light and in my imagination she has come into her own as the spirited young woman at the heart of my book.
She is where momentum lives.
I love, love, love vanilla cupcakes as well. Come to think of it, I would love to have one now. And yes, I think we all have many layers of ourselves hiding inside of us. But this one thing is true, if you write – honestly write, you can’t keep any of it hidden anymore. Maybe that is why writing is so terrifying.
Oh, Katie, doesn’t it feel good to have the years and enough I-don’t-give-a-damn-what-anybody-thinks to finally stand proudly to say, “By God, THIS is who I am!”? Your post is one of the finest pieces I’ve read in quite some time.
My own inner weirdo salutes you, Sister!
I would love to hang out with your inner weirdo.
Shame? I was talking about shame tonight …. crying on the phone. Trying to remember shame is a step to being vunerable. Being vunerable leads to having courage.
My cupcake is 7 layer dip.
I embrace your inner weirdo, dear Katie. I love that yours speaks with a British accent. Mine sings show tunes and the old standards, and I’m not even from that era. You keep me smiling with your posts.
Yes Katie embrace all sides of yourself and you mean that some people don’t have that “weirdo” side…LOL
That’s what I love about getting older, you get to let all of the “weirdness” out in public and you don’t care. Let it flow girl and dance with that pup!
Katie, I love this. So true, how our dark sides inspire us, if we let them. What a treat to let our shadowy parts inspire us to move, change, or just accept ourselves.
My favorite line: “She is part of me, but not all of me. She is my inner weirdo — my crazy bit that lurks in the shadows scratching at the padded door of my soul.” :=)
Oh my goodness, I can so relate to this – “anxiety ridden at the thought of picking a bedroom in a reality TV mansion based purely on who gets to the bed first.” Whenever they run into the rooms, I think to myself, but I’d need time to assess the light, the orientation, how close it is to the bathroom etc, how can you pick so fast?! How stressful!
I think these quirky bits are what make us so fascinating. I love when I know a friend well enough to know their quirks. It feels like an honour to know those more private parts of them.
Love love this post. First time visitor and your first impression was awesome, don’t worry! Not weird.
Brilliant! As though you know my thoughts!!!
HI! I received two negative comments in a row on my blog this week and I got the sensation that I am not doing a good job – which may or may not be true – but, I reminded myself… how many times do I adore reading something and never comment on it? How many times have I never let the writer know that I enjoyed their words? So, instead of getting down on the comments written to me, I decided to let the last writer I read in on how much I enjoyed their verbiage. Without further adieu, I loved your “weird” sweets inspired post! And even added one of your sentence to my list of all time favorite word pairings: “So I keep her wrapped in layers of what I imagine people would prefer…” Incredible job!
i like being weird. it’s much better than being normal, dull and boring!
Noch Noch
Wonderful post, as always, Katie.
I wasn’t going to comment as this posts a bit old now, but just wanted to say thanks.
Thanks for all the lovely comments. I read them all, but I’m not feeling that well this week so I won’t be commenting on each one — which I love to do. I salute you, my dear weirdos.
People always told me I was weird… And for a long time, I believed them.
Truth is: I am unique, and every body else is too. Therefore everybody is weird and nobody is. You are who you are, not what others want you to be.
I just want to say… that you are one shining star… one great blog to read… you are honestly real and I can relate to you more than most…
I recently joined your blog and thought as I read the words… this is me… this is me…
this is me…
You set the record straight. You are enlightened. And I thank you for your words…
A true Fan at day 1…
Debbie, what a lovely comment. Thank you so much for all of it, every word. Kindred spirits I’m betting.
Wonderful post Katie, it gives all of us inspiration, good luck!
John, thanks for stopping by to comment and for the kind words.