Let Love
I clearly remember looking into the bathroom mirror, smiling and thinking, “I like who I am”. I liked my face, my name, my hair, my friends, my mom, and my room. I was ten.
I liked that I was good at swimming, writing and acting. In fact, I loved to act. I was in school plays, theatre camps and weekend acting workshops. I watched the Oscars and rehearsed my acceptance speech. In grade nine, I enrolled in our school’s only drama class. I was going to be an awarding-winning, world famous actress. There was no doubt.
Then, when I was fifteen, I was sitting in English class reciting a poem, doing my best to emote, when there was a snicker from the back of the room. It was a red-headed boy – the class clown.
I wondered what I was doing wrong. My face flushed a shade redder than his hair. My ears flared up. People – well, boys were looking at me. I had no idea what they were thinking, but I knew it wasn’t good. It sounds naïve, but up until that point, I really hadn’t given much thought to what boys were thinking – especially about me.
I suddenly saw myself in a different light. The bandana I wore to keep my hair back was weird. No one else wore stuff like that in their hair. I didn’t own a pair of jeans. The cool girls did. And make up? Why wasn’t I wearing make up like everyone else?
Everything changed. Eventually, I stopped acting. I didn’t want to stop, but after a few humiliating auditions I gave up. I had lost it. Somehow I had gotten in my own way. I couldn’t just be someone else anymore. I was me. Being self-conscious was natural, but there was something deeper and darker.
I had begun to dislike me.
I was letting those snickers inhabit my being like termites. I invited them in and encouraged them to crawl across the mirror where once a ten-year-old’s smile reflected back at me. Now, all I saw in that mirror were my fish lips, my flat chest and my big feet. I believed them when they told me I wasn’t talented enough, smart enough, curious enough, pretty enough, cool enough, rebellious enough or Oscar-worthy enough. You name it, I was not enough of it.
Those nasty little snickers burrowed their way into my heart where they planted seeds of doubt. They reverberated through my soul like a subtle tisk-tisk anytime I tried to be more, risk, reinvent, change or begin anew.
But they did not and could not consume me. That wise, wonderful, defiant little ten-year-old would have none of it. She stood with her hands on her hips and she pushed and prodded her way back into my life – by raising my spirits, giving me props, holding my hand, laughing with me when I blushed, cheering on my every creative wobble and hopeful attempt, she cured me of those snickering doubts. She taught me simply to look in the mirror and love the girl I saw there.
Genuine, unabashed self love is life changing.
If you’ve ever seen perfection and beauty in the way snow falls, in the sway of a willow, in the shimmer of the sun on the water’s edge, in the heart-shaped core of an apple, then you know this is also true.
You too are enough, you too are perfect in your imperfection.
That knowledge is all the momentum you’re ever going to need. If you’re looking for answers, for meaning or purpose, for a way to change or to gather hope, for a bit of peace or a little faith, then look in the mirror. The answer is you. You are what you’ve been looking for. You are where change, hope and faith live and breathe.
So begin each of your days with full and unconditional love for the one person who will always be there. You. Let love light your morning. Let love move you through your day. Let love guide your choices, your words, your relationships, your work, your writing, and your health. Everything can unfold from this place of self love.
Self love is not a boastful kind of love – it is a vulnerable, open, brave love — a love that can shift a single moment, impact others profoundly, permeate your entire day and change your year, your path, and your life. Let love.
I recently watched an inspiring TED lecture on the power of vulnerability given by Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston. She has spent more than a decade studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Enjoy.
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Beautiful. xo
Thanks my darling daughter.
Katie, I’m so grateful for the ten year old girl who remained a part of you during your years of doubting yourself, who helped you become the woman you are today. You’ve spoken before of how cruel children can be. Ain’t that the truth!
I especially love what you said about seeing the beauty in the simple things. Again, your words hold so much love and meaning. Thank you, as always.
Today I’ll be sending the link to this post to an online friend, who needs some words of inspiration in her day. I do believe you have just the right words for her.
Joanne, I think that if we can learn to see that simple beauty in ourselves, we’ll actually be empowered by it. I hope your friend finds comfort here.
Wow, what a ten year old!
Why is it the others want to sling hurtful stuff?
Is it because they, themselves, are hurting?
I think so.
Thanks Katie for being not just the ten year old but also the more fully evolved you. I’m sure you have forgiven the red headed boy. You help us all to be better. You rock and your site rocks!
Peace, QuietDad
Hey J.R., I’ve totally forgiven those hurts – the only person who can let them impact my life negatively is me. They are lessons, not baggage. I’m so glad my blog helps. Peace to you too.
Oww. This is beautiful, Katie. I’m new here on your blog and I like it very very much. Kisses!
Thank you Danijel. Welcome and thanks for the kisses. Now that’s love.
Katie,
…I wish you enough…
Keep shining, my friend. You are a gift to this world, and a gift in my life.
Much love,
Lance
Lance, sharing gifts. Sounds like a party. Thanks for being a gift to me too.
Hi Katie,
I often think that if we listened more to our ‘inner child’ we’d get much wisdom on how to cope with being an adult! You know… those days before we started listening to what other folk thought of us or what they expected from us.
Back then nothing put us off exploring all parts of our world; no one could affect our self view (we didn’t care!!!), and there were no reasons not to just go for our dreams.
The pursuit of perfection is a goal pushed at us from all angles. It’s difficult enough dealing with the pressures to be ‘pertfect’ as an adult, let alone having to cope with them as an impressionable youngster.
We can make an impact on other people – children especially – when we teach them that they are already perfect.
I agree Scott, and I think it’s also a question of imagination. We lose touch with our ability to make belief. All those expectations, opinions, pressures swarm our dream life and drag us into adulthood kicking and surrendering.
Another great post Katie!
Yes, it doesn’t seem that long ago I had the same demons haunting me, and they still resurface once in a while, I’m only human after all and it’s quite natural to have self doubts. But the important thing is that you take it all in your stride, and get over it, because if you want to beat them you don’t ignore your demons, you face them head on.
PS. I’m really looking forward to the daily momentum prompts!
Thanks Jessica. Facing and forgiving, that’s what diffuses those demons. Thanks for sharing your very human thoughts.
Oh, and I don’t think those momentum guides will be daily – too much pressure. But they will be feature simple daily actions. Hope that makes sense.
Hello my friend.
You’ve hit on something that has been on my mind the last few weeks. I finished my first read through of Dr. Brown’s book on imperfection and have started Pema Chodron’s book, The Places that Scare You. And that’s my light reading stuff
That ten year old you speak of. To me, she is our basic instinct, or our knowledge of what it right for us. Our go-to life position. Our gut response. She’s the one that get shoved in the background for the sake of surviving hostile environments. She goes under, gets buried. She hides when our true nature is questioned or attacked. But the truth is, she stays there, ready to come through an open door back to us.
And she really does have all the answers. With her bandana and open eyes and clear vision of things. Isn’t that the most amazing thing?
Diana, wonderful thoughts. I like the idea that she, that ten-year-old, is my basic instinct. She was so loving and confident and she was on my side. If that’s my gut response, then I feel lighter for it. Yes, amazing and powerful. I’m practicing seeing her in the mirror and a smile keeps coming to my face every time I look for her.
katie, i subscribed to your blog after reading your guest post at zen habits about momentum. i was writing a novel, and it helped me name the buoyancy i felt. lately, i have been stuck, frantically reading everything i could get my hands on to find my way back to connection, to my 10 year old, who i’ve relied on for ages. she was lost. this TED talk was exactly what i needed in grown up language to help me find my 10 year old again. thank you.
Edie, I wonder why your 10-year-old got lost? Maybe it was simply an ebb in your creative flow. Natural no doubt. Frantically searching likely didn’t help, but I’m glad you looked and found Brene. She is so genuine and full of wisdom, and humour. Thanks for subscribing and sticking around.
Thanks Katie. Your words are beautiful, as always. You brought tears to my eyes with this one! I’m off to share this with my friends on Facebook.
Thank you, dear Alison. It warms my heart to warm a friend’s heart. Thanks for sharing.
Katie, This is great guidance, especially for women and especially as they head into middle-age or old age. Then the relentless message becomes “You’re not good enough the way you are now. Healthy and vibrant isn’t enough.” You need to do something to look younger. You need to fight aging or defy it.
Personally, though, I love the white hair I see when I look in the mirror!
Madeleine, oh it is so true that our youth adoring culture is raring to make us feel like less as we ease into midlife – hence the crisis many people feel when they arrive there. You are either ignored or made to feel like aging is a battle to be fought and resisted. I’m glad you love who you are, white hair and all. That is so lovely and wise and real. I like my bits of gray too.
It is always a pleasure reading your blog posts but this one caused a huge smile to take over my face. You see, my 10-year old self has been showing herself lately and it is because of her that every day I awake a stronger woman.
It’s amazing how much we forget about ourselves and how much power we place in the hands of others. As my birthday approached (January 3rd), the 10-year old self started to come to life once again. My business was changing, my relationships were changing and my life was changing. Here I am now, a 37-year old beautiful and strong woman, thanks to the persistence of my 10-year old self.
I have connected with the true soul of my being and I’m never going to let her go!
Thank you.
Today… I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection…
Shannon, you are always so supportive. Thank you for that. So your ten year old is coming out to play, is she? That she gives you strength and power is awesome. I’m so glad to hear yourself say you are beautiful. It is rare that women embrace themselves with those words. I love your wishes and hope everyone reads them and embodies them. xo
so inspiring. I think I lost ME at about age 6 and I’m still trying to find her
Effie, keep searching. She’s there. xo
Beautiful message. Over the past few years, I’ve struggled with trying to become someone I was not. Well this year I decided to just let go those ambitions and struggles, and just embrace who I was.
Henway, I think most people act or live like someone they are not at one time or another. I know that I have. Letting go can be the first step in getting back to who you are or at least move you in that direction. I’m happy for you. You must be at peace.
Hi Katie,
Oh, this is great! I found myself thinking of when I’ve experienced similar things, and where you say “That wise, wonderful, defiant little ten-year-old would have none of it.”, and also mention the “brave love”, I think that hit on the magic element for me. Fire. Spit-fire (which as a Vedic astrologer I also recognize as Mars energy). I thank my lucky stars that I was born with a good dose of it. And it seems little Katie had a bit of that too.
Some people (and innocent animals) are prone to let their spirits be broken, and it breaks my heart whenever I see it. Posts like this can help encourage people, I think. Besides, it’s simply a treat to read you. Thanks!
Patti honey, I do have a little spit-fire in me. Maybe I have some of that Mars energy too. I’m a Leo (or Cancer depending on who you talk to in the astrology world these days). I think I was lucky that nothing horrible ever happened to me to truly break my spirit. I have a friend with a different story. She has a broken heart that seems irreparably damaged. I do hope this encourages … or lightens or even mends someone, in some small way. Thanks Patti.
I enjoy your stories, your details, your truth, and your triumph!
And, I was just thinking about how kids are so pure, so untarnished, so magnetic, and so in love. I don’t like it when people make fun of others! But I definitely find the value in laughing at myself.
You said it so beautifully: “our change, hope, and faith lives in us.” Looking forward to what you grow and develop this year.
Marci, it is getting back, or at least learning from, that place of untarnished love that we felt as children, that perhaps can fuel us today. Thank you for always being here and engaging in the discussion so vibrantly.
“Genuine, unabashed self love is life changing.” So true and such a journey!
Powerful post – thank you for including me in it.
Thank you Brene for delivering such a kick ass TED talk. I can’t wait to read more of what you are exploring and sharing.
Hi Katie,
It is so hard being a young teenager. Those were rough years for me. Self-love is a hard one. I’ve been wanting to write a post on self-love for many months, but I always get stuck. I suppose it is because I’m still struggling to fully love myself. I love your idea of letting love guide my choices. I always try to be gentle with myself. After years and years of beating myself up, I’ve decided to be gentle and it helps my self-esteem greatly. That is a way of loving myself. Thanks for your message Katie! I will let love!
~Dandy
Dandy, I always love seeing your smiling face appear on my blog. I hope you do let love guide you. I’ve been really working on it today. I had to give myself a pat on the shoulder for a workout I completed – it wasn’t a great workout, but I did it. I needed that pat just as I would have given a friend if she’d done her best. The workout I saw as self love, the smoothie I made afterwards, I made with self love and sitting here in the sun, I feel love … so yes, it can work with simple daily loving actions. I hope that post on self-love emerges soon.
P.S. It was also love that stopped me from buying that big latte today.
This is a great example of the internal battle we have in us all. The maximizing of our imperfection and the minimizing of our true worth. This is a daily battle for me. Sometimes a small comment from my wife can send me spiraling down an emotional toll. It’s hard to realize that I’m a man worthy enough for someone to marry. We forget that that there are people who see good in us also, therefore we should also look for good in ourselves.
Elmer, so very true. You are rare and wonderful to confess your vulnerabilities. That is your truth and that is likely what makes you a loving person – deserving of the love of a woman and of yourself. Much love to you.
Alleluia! You’re a gust of fresh air! I’ve read Brene’s last book and it was as well! Thanks for sharing. There’s not a person in the world that can’t relate. And that’s what makes your words so amazing. Thanks.
Thank you Tess, and you are a gust of support and love every time you visit.
This is a very powerful subject you are mentioning here. If it were not for our own selves letting in the negativity, we could be happy. We take that away from ourselves (the majority of times) so that we don’t allow our own happiness. Why is that? Why do we let others influence the way we think? You are your own leader…trust that.
Jasmine, I don’t know why we get in our own way and sabotage ourselves. Caroline Myss in The Sacred Contract sees this quality as an archetype we all embody, the saboteur. It is part of our soul’s DNA. But she encourages people to embrace the light side, not just the shadow of their saboteur archetype — on the other side of destruction can be rebuilding and rebirth. Yes, lead yourself Jasmine and maybe find a way to reverse the power of those negative voices.
“I was letting those snickers inhabit my being like termites.” Wow. That line gave me shivers, I know those termites. It was so great to read , further on, about the ten year old you who shook that off.
Dave, I’m glad you could relate to the imagery – but I am sorry you also know those nasty termites. Maybe those ten-year-old selves of ours are simply, friendly exterminators
Hi Katie,
This is so beautiful! I absolutely love Brene Brown’s talk. She has transformed my perspective! I have also been the insecure young girl, and these days I remind myself always that I am enough. It can be tough to really feel it, but I just believe.
Hey Lynn, just noticed your comment got snagged in my spam folder. I am so glad you felt transformed by Brene – she has that power. Daily reminders, gentle nudges can really help you believe in yourself. Take care of that insecure girl.
Hi Katie, You have a beautiful blog, I love the design.
This is a nice post about. If we love ourself no matter what, we somehow give an impression that we are well worth to be loved and admired. I didn’t like myself when I was a ten-yr old girl. I used to be very outgoing but became a loner. I started to love myself again when I became an adult.
Anyway, I love your blog and your posts. I’ll bookmark this so I can come back later.
Thank you Anne. I think as long as we come to love ourselves at some point in our lives or at the very least, be kinder, then we’re likely to find ease and peace in that. Thanks for stopping by my blog.
Hi Katie,
Thank you for your reflections..may all who read your words internalize the “permission” to love self..celebrate self..and allow their heart whispers to soar to the moon and return a reality:)
I echo your words, Joy. Permission is something we often believe we are not entitled to give ourselves. Reclaiming that power can be very life affirming. Thanks for sharing your lovely thoughts.
Katie, if there were ever a boy version of what you went through in school, it was me. I was the epitome of geek. Remember the FRIENDS episodes where we see flashbacks of the gang in their high school and college years? Remember Ross with the fro and the geeky pleated pants? That was totally me. And when I tried to alter my appearance – when I finally realized it mattered to the world just what I was wearing – I looked even more geeky.
It took me a long time to be at peace with myself for not being a jock, or even remotely popular. And at some point, the other kids learned I could sing and act.
Thanks for your brilliant reminder to stay in love with ourselves.
Oh Bryan, high school can be one of the most wretched of times and the best of times. We’re trying to figure out who we are in the midst of all that pressure to fit in and be like everyone else. I’d never want to go back, but I would so love to have seen that fro of yours
I wonder if the jocks of the world slowly unravel as they grow up, pining over their best days in high school while the geeks come into their own and find peace. Geekiness is likely just a unique spirit. Hail to the geeks like us. And while we’re at it, hail to the jocks who I’m sure are great people too.
Katie, believe me, the fro still exists. Thank God for clippers and hair gel.
“That wise, wonderful, defiant little ten-year-old would have none of it. She stood with her hands on her hips and she pushed and prodded her way back into my life.”
Bravo Katie! Bravo!
Beautiful. You brought tears to my eyes when I wasn’t expecting any. I’m so glad to have stumbled upon your blog through you stumbling onto mine.
I’ll definitely be back.
Cheers,
Tanja
Awww, thanks Tanya. Stumbling can be wonderful. xo
Katie, isn’t it amazing how our first years of life knew best – and really knew, until our teenage years questioned what we “knew” and changed everything.
Thank you for sharing this fantastic video! – and sharing your story. Your light shines and reaches others brilliantly.
Aileen, it’s always lovely to see your smiling face – and seeing you on video last night was even better. You are so expressive. You too are a brilliant light. Thanks for being here.
I’m really loving your site Katie, if it were a book, I wouldn’t want to put it down to fall asleep. And that’s kind of true, it’s 8:10 am in the morning here in California and I haven’t slept.
This is an incredible post, the way you write is very well laid down. It’s really impressive. There must be a point in everyone’s life where they stop controlling their lives and simply let themselves be dragged by the people around them. It’s a tragedy.
Hey Jonathan, glad you’re wandering around my blog instead of sleeping. And a big thanks for the writing kudos.
I suppose you’re right about control, but maybe if we all went out own way from day one and did our own thing always, it would be chaos. Maybe we form communities by agreeing to be similar, but then rail against it when it takes us too far away from our true centre. Interesting stuff to ponder. Thanks for staying awake.
No problem, me being awake is like cream on a cake. I doubt we would ever be able to just fully break free from everyone else, when it is normal behavior to want the things that other people have. I doubt many people want my ability to alienate people and think for myself.
Oh, this is so gorgeous and gripping and important. As a mother of two (almost three) little girls, I think about these things often. The evolution of self and courage. The shifting sea of identity. The riptide of imperfection. I hope, and deeply, that when they get to the point where it matters, they will have your attitude, your self-love, your emotional fortitude. Isn’t it interesting, heartbreaking and exquisite, that no matter how old we become, we are always that little girl?
So thrilled to have found my way here to your words via the lovely Brene’s blog. I look forward to reading much more going forward.
Well thank you Aidan. I love your words, “shifting sea of identity”, “riptide of imperfection” – these currents run through all of our lives. Your love and insight will guide those little girls along their imperfect paths – they’ll stumble but likely they need to so they can learn how to pick themselves up. As I do with my daughter, I simply try to be there for her and love her for exactly who she is. At least in knowing our inner little girl, we can more fully embrace and care for our daughters. I love that you found me through Brene. She’s amazing.
Katie,
Your post resonated with me in amy ways but most of all it made me wish I could talk to my 10 year old self, to tell her to keep the wonderful freedom of childhood.
When I was 10 I believed in me. I believed that life was full of promise. I had no hang ups, I loved my life and I looked forward to what it might bring.
I used to climb trees, hang upside down on the railings, have endless fun.
I wonder where she is, that 10 year old. I wish I could find her…
Linda, I think Diana put it best,
“That ten year old you speak of. To me, she is our basic instinct, or our knowledge of what it right for us. Our go-to life position. Our gut response. She’s the one that get shoved in the background for the sake of surviving hostile environments. She goes under, gets buried. She hides when our true nature is questioned or attacked. But the truth is, she stays there, ready to come through an open door back to us.And she really does have all the answers.”
Find that open door by loving yourself – I’m not suggesting you go hang upside down in a tree, but maybe meditate upon or write about that girl you used to be. I bet she’ll start to poke her head through that crack in the door. Sounds like you already want her to come out and play. Just ask her.
This is beautiful. Thanks for the wonderfully wise words!
http://philosovegan.tumblr.com/
Thank you for saying so, Allison.
Oh my goodness Katie. I’m sitting here in tears, happy and connected tears. I feel our sisterhood, mine, yours and Brene’s, at this moment.
First I was going to rush down here and write how deeply I appreciate your sharing this. Leading up to my own fast from fashion, I wrote out my clothing narrative. I work in narratives and analyze them also. I decided to post it in two parts on my blog. The first part that I posted a week or so ago reads almost identically to this post of yours (without the great metaphors and incredibly encouraging ending that yours has). THEN, I watched the entire video that you shared. I’m also a therapist, she’s speaking my language and so are you. I am so thankful for your words. They are somehow always perfectly relevant to me.
I think I’ll email you further thoughts and gratitude for the sake of your comment section.
Kristy, you are creating an amazing narrative and are brave to be taking on issues of identity and perfection. I’m so glad you find connection and relevance here. Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you.
And thank you.
Hi Katie! I had to laugh about “fish lips”–sorry! In junior high I had “frog eyes” lol I liked my eyes but that’s what those terrible boys said to me, among many other rude things–I was taunted and teased something awful. I was a little different from you, though. I shot back at them, said rude things back, told them they were just jealous and stuff like that (and worse, sometimes), though I realize now I was just feeding their flames, and if I had ignored them they might have stopped sooner. One of them called me “pizza face” one day–now that one really hurt because I really was embarrassed of that pimple break-out.
You know the saying about being where we have to be…I was going to be a famous model and then a famous rock star lol and certain things got in the way–it wasn’t where I needed to be, it wasn’t my path, it wasn’t me. Come to think of it, I think it was my 10 year old (lover of books and poetry) guiding me as I went back to school and kept changing majors and finally settled on what she wanted me to study (books and poetry of course! lol)
Thanks for this!
You can laugh at my fish lips, Leah. My revenge came when big lips became all the rage. Hah! And by the way, frogs have beautiful eyes and pizzas are works of art. I can just imagine you firing back at those boys. Good on ya! Love your spirit.
It is so important to believe in yourself. All too often we let our doubts and our fears hold us back, we think we are not good enough. Your article tells me that you have conquered those limiting beliefs that clutter our lives, and learnt to love yourself in a way that means you are happy with who you are as a person, and that you let love change your life and positively impact others.
Thanks for sharing this with your readers.
David, I’m a bit of a work in progress and still carry around a fair bit of self doubt and unkindness at times, but most of the time and at my core, I do love myself. It is a gift and I know I’m lucky. So, I’m happy to encourage others in any way I can to cultivate self love. I think it is a powerful life changer. Thanks for commenting.
Hooray for the 10 year old in you kicking those bullies’ butts! Let love, indeed. Simple yet powerful words to live by which we naturally do as young ones until those growth hormones (and a few other things) hold hostage our sense of self. With a little luck, we reclaim our natural-born right to love, be loved and break free from ominous voices of the past, knowing it is our voice that is dying to be heard.
Belinda, it is baffling how human beings can lose that sense of self. You would think it impossible. I wonder if it happens in the animal kingdom. Does a dog always think it’s a dog or does it think it’s a person when we humanize it with clothes and beds? Ultimately, we all just want a little love … and to bark in our own voice.
I like your honesty and advice so much in this post.
Sue, I appreciate you saying so and I’m glad my writing comes across as honest and also helpful. Thanks for looking around.
I am so glad I happened upon your blog; your honesty and clear message really strike at people’s hearts. There is absolutely a difference between selfishness and self love. I want to “like me” again, because I want to be me, not a cookie cutter version of what my school, job, or family expects me to be. I want to carry your words around with me, to remind me of what’s important. Thank you!
I’m so glad you happened by too, Patricia and I hope you do carry these words around with you. Self love is where it all begins. I’ve just recently begun to hear more clearly, not only the loving voice in my head, but the not so loving one too. That awareness has led me to set those not so loving thoughts to one side and embrace who I am more fully. Thanks for commenting and enjoying my blog.
Interesting to read this great article indeed because I have known many great and new things from you. Thanks a lot one more time,Katie.I love my life more with you.When we love everything around us, It’s time we konw how to love ourself.
Thank you, Suteki, for you kind comment. It is most appreciated and I’m glad I have helped you.
that was PERFECT.TOTALLY PERFECT.i really needed it to continue my way.thank you veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery much