awake and dreaming

I am of two minds. Awake and in a dream state. I haven’t had five hours of straight sleep for two weeks. This state is no blissful Maryland. It is a foggy and distracted state like coastal Washington. I’m tired, eating badly and not exercising. I need to shave my legs. I keep forgetting to floss. Well I don’t actually forget, I’m just too tired to bother.

Truth is, I’m a bit of a mess and my back aches from bending and chasing and scooping and barricading. I feel like my house is under siege — invaded by a furry little dictator. Levi is his name and he’s an 11 week old golden retriever. And for the record, he only chews, gnaws and takes. He does not retrieve.

And the crazy part of this dream is that it’s not a dream, it’s not going to end anytime soon, I can’t go back and, we — foolish naive people that we are — we invited him in. We beckoned, wished, searched, found and flung open our arms to this — our first dog.

People told us, “oh you’ll love it”, “oh it will be the best thing you’ll ever do”, “oh he’ll become a part of your family”. Sounded great. We heard the warnings too, “oh a puppy’s a lot of work”, “oh prepare not to sleep ever again”, “oh you know it’s like having a baby”. But we shunned those warnings. We knew better. We knew we were ready and we knew, in our heart of hearts, it wouldn’t be that bad. After all, we are home a lot, we have a small family, we love walking and running, and we have more than enough space and time in our lives for this little being. HAH!

The time is never right to turn a perfectly peaceful life upside-down. But we did and this is where I am now. Missing what I had and squinting through the fog of this dream state to try to see more clearly what this strange new land I now inhabit looks like and feels like.

We’ve all been here if we’ve lived at all. Something new comes into our lives. We start school, we get our first job, we meet someone special, get married, have kids. We continually make choices and then, when the dream state of fatigue and overwhelm begins to clear, we adapt and we learn to put one fluffy slipper in front of the other and bag yet another lovely morsel of poop left in the snow. We do what we have to do.

No one said new was easy.

New might be soft, sweet, adorable, playful, loving and curious. But new is also a stranger to me – a guest who is not leaving, who demands attention, even if it’s three in the morning. New wails, bites and eats paper towel rolls. New doesn’t care if he’s chewing his designated chew toys or the freakin’ legs of my furniture. New has taken up residence, made himself quite comfortable and forced the three “old” people living in this house to make room.

There’s a part of me that’s wigging out – wondering when this “guest” will become a member of the family and do his part – whatever that is. When I’ll stop feeling like I’ve made a huge mistake. I go from gushing over his big puppy dog eyes to wanting to cry. I go from joyfully watching him leap in the snow like a rabbit to hoping he’ll quit whining and let me sleep.

My dream state is riddled with rough terrain that wavers between love and animosity, joy and weariness. But it also has a glimmer of beauty on its horizon. I need to wake myself a little to see it. I need to lift the fog. I need to get back what I never lost and see what has always been there — the good and the love.

How will I do this? I will practice patience. I will shower even if he’s howling in his crate. I will get back to yoga while he naps and start drinking my green smoothies every morning even if he doesn’t like the sound of the blender. I will fuel my body, my soul and my love for my puppy with healthy things. I will rest when I can and not worry about clocking how many hours of sleep I get. I will take back my life little by little, but recognize that plans might have to be flexible and that change is not the end of the world.

At times, you too may have found yourself at odds with those around you or with your life’s circumstances. You may have felt like a guest in your own home or like someone has intruded into your personal space. Perhaps it’s the demands of young children, pets, jobs, parents, friends or a boss. Perhaps you’re rattled by a disruption in your daily routine. Maybe you’ve become unclear as to how to proceed as per usual.

The dream state takes over even though you’re awake. It’s that feeling like you’re floating through life but you’re not really a part of it somehow. To lift this sense of weariness we need to take care of ourselves and realize we are not in this thing alone. We can ask for help. We can let go perfection. We can be where we are, even if it feels a little off or weird.

Where I am is tired. But I’m healthy, happy and safe. I have a new life in my care. I have more than my share. I am blessed. This is a dream state I can live in.

Be there with me. Embrace the basics – love, water, food, exercise, cuddles and fresh air. My puppy taught me that. I do love him. And I do love you for being on this journey with me.

Special Note: On January 16, Stephanie Wetzel of Trading Pounds and Barrie Davenport of Live Bold and Bloom, will launch The Empowerment Pack, a package of over 25 personal development and self-improvement courses, books, and guides being offered for a 90% discount. You can join the waiting list for this special 3-day promotion by visiting their website.

small is beautiful

“Ever bigger machines, entailing ever bigger concentrations of economic power and exerting ever greater violence against the environment, do not represent progress: they are a denial of wisdom. Wisdom demands a new orientation of science and technology towards the organic, the gentle, the non-violent, the elegant and beautiful.”

- E.F. Schumacher, Small is Beautiful: Economics As If People Mattered, 1973 London

What has happened to us? We’re all fixated on the most, the biggest, the best. We want bigger and better lives, but we end up settling instead for bigger TVs, bigger vehicles and bigger houses. We pave over natural wetlands to make room for our big suburban developments where we think maybe those bigger and better lives might play out.

It seems an unyielding imperative that our cities keep spreading and bulldozing in the name of generating more jobs, more units, more condos and more revenue for those same cities to spin back into developing, expanding and encompassing even more.

Where’s the plan? Where’s the vision? There was one, but it seems it’s been waylaid by progress. A variance here, a rule broken there, a plan and a vision forgotten. We watch and whine and pretend it’s all going to be okay. And it probably will be okay – for us.

But what about our children. This relentless push for progress will cost them dearly. We are using up all the resources. Cutting down and paving over every scrap of nature we can sell, gut and redo. We are getting bigger and bigger and our shadow looms over the near future like a giant poisonous-gas-filled blimp.

We are the generation that has sat by while the 1% have become “the best destroyers of all time”, impoverishing people and the planet like never before. (George Monbiot, p.19, The Guardian Weekly, 18.11.11.)

When will we get wise? Before it all explodes or after?

It’s amazing how little we really need, to be content in this life. The problem is, we want what we want. Will we ever think small, think gentle, think beautiful? Will we ever stop feeding the consumer and corporate machines that shove our desire for more down our throats by telling us exactly what it is we should be eating, wearing, caring about and buying?

Isn’t one gift at Christmas enough?

If not, why not? Why shop ’til you drop? Why stress and fret and over spend? Bring yourself back down to size. Think small. Teach your kids something else. Get sentimental about life, about nature, about your loved ones — not about buying a bunch of stuff that no one needs. Don’t get sucked into some endless black monday that spins into boxing day and then becomes an interminable cycle of gift-giving (aka shopping) imposed upon you by a bunch of “shoulds” from Wall Street and beyond? It’s time to throw a monkey wrench into the old escalator and jump off this crazy ride.

Small is beautiful. Small cities mean a greater sense of connection, ease of movement and self-sustainability. A small house, a small car, a small Christmas are all easier, more affordable, more peaceful and more spacious. Small means you have time and space for the lovely in life.

Even if you were not one of those who ventured downtown and held up a sign during the occupy movement, maybe you too believe it is time to challenge the status quo, to reign in corporate greed and to choose wisdom over progress at all costs. Maybe you can begin by acting as if all that you do matters and by realizing that small is also beautiful. Start at home and let the wisdom spread from there.

Here’s wishing you a small holiday season sprinkled with ease, beauty and love.

Where Do You Live?

Everything is changing – and fast. Our money, our climate, our connections. I find myself longing for the good old days – bygone days remembered through rose-coloured glasses when everyone could afford to buy a house, when cities valued green spaces and parks over condo developments and when people talked on rotary phones that hung on the walls of their kitchens.

We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road. ~ C. S. Lewis, author

I feel at odds with the pace of the modern world – like I need to slow down, take a breath and get clear on where I’m headed – where we’re all headed as we heave like a runaway train towards progress, wealth, success.

The two main characters in my novel grew up without iphones, the internet or reality TV. They grew up when I did. We know what a typewriter sounds like, how to search the periodicals section of a library, how many sweet tarts a penny can buy. I’ve carefully planted my characters, like helpless Barbies, into this world because I know this time and place, better than the one I live in today.

The world of my novel is where I grew up, where I lost my first tooth, had my first kiss, got my first job and became who I am. It is where my imagination was born. And so now, as I find myself straggling behind, a child of a different time, wandering in the creative direction of my past, I know am not lost. This is my home. It’s where I live.

I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself. ~ Maya Angelou, poet

When I try to punch the time clock of today I am not content. I was a frenzied blogger and now I blog slowly. I was overwhelmed with a busy life and now I live a more calm existence. I am changing, growing, loving and creating at this pace and from this place. But I will not rush, destroy, überconnect, bombard, sell out, burn out or take for granted this home, this planet, this gift.

I am sure-footed and I am moving towards my own kind of progress on this peaceful, open road. This is where I write. This is my garden. This is my home.

Where do you live?

Dazed & Inspired

I’ve been in a bit of a daze lately. The novel is going great — I’ve only missed one day of writing in a thirty-five day string. But I’m off a little.

Maybe part of my sense of fogginess comes from half living in the real world and half in the imagined world of my characters. I often feel as though I’m walking around in their ill-fitting shoes. They are very troubled and I am not. They are trapped and I am not. And yet their troubled circumstances coat my psyche with a sense of unease.

My dreams are vivid and epic. My body feels plodding.

It could also be something to do with the cupcakes I’ve become obsessively addicted to.

Damn Three Bakers and A Bike.

Why do they have to make the best vanilla cupcakes on the planet?

And why did they choose to locate their bakery within walking distance of my home?

But I digress.

I woke this morning in need of inspiration – something to snap me out of my daze. I opened my email to find a note from a lovely blogger named Jodi Chapman. She’s the writer over at Soul Speak. Her blog was the cure for my sugar-brain.

Jodi writes a lot about gratitude and has created a terrific gratitude book that she gives away for free if you sign up for her daily inspirational emails. It’s the perfect tool for creating positive and gentle momentum in one’s life. I can’t wait to begin using it.

She also has something she calls Shared Wisdom in which she shares a blog post from another blogger. In fact, that’s why she was contacting me. She wanted to share one of my posts with her readers. I am following her lead and sharing her blog with you. Here’s what she says about herself and her blog, Soul Speak.

Going from being a skeptical, left-brained gal to a spiritual woman, who lets her intuition and messages from the other side guide her, has been quite the journey.

I am a big believer in going within, being grateful, and living positively. Your soul always has the answers, and I truly believe that all it takes to get to those answers is the commitment to slow down, dig a little bit, and reawaken your inner voice – your higher self. It’s always been there waiting for you.

I believe that our thoughts become our reality, and our actions lead us to our dreams. I believe that my higher self helps me write each day. I am learning right along with all of you, and I am so glad that we are helping each other on this wonderful journey. Here’s to each of us following our inner voice.

Visit Jodi at Soul Speak if you’re feeling a little dazed and in need of some lovely inspiration. I’m glad I did.

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