When You Are Sad
“… when you need someone, someone that you can call, when all your faith is gone, feels like you can’t go on, let it be me, let it be me. If it’s a friend that you need, let it be me, let it be me.” ~ Ray LaMontagne, Singer-Songwriter
This morning my daughter hugged me and looked into my eyes. She told me the sadness in the pit of her stomach was gone and she wanted to share that with me. We’d just come back from our favourite vegan restaurant where we’d eaten a healthy brunch and talked about nothing in particular. That time together, that kind meal, the sun on her face on a bitterly cold day had permeated her core and restored her soul.
I love that she has such an open, expressive and honest soul. I am lucky to be her mother. She makes me stronger every time she shows me how much she’s grown up, what ideas she’s absorbed, what things about life she’s come to understand and what amazing and artistic concepts she’s interested in.
I feel stronger because I have played a role in giving her what she needed to find her way, discover her truth and figure out who she is and what she believes in. I am her soul trainer. I am here to help her build faith in herself and gain hope in the world around her.
Faith and hope make up the foundation of the soul. Sadness is simply a little heaving of that foundation when the chilly winds of self doubt or uncertainty waft in.
I hope she’s never sad again, but I know she will be. So when she is, I will try my best to give momentum to her soul by being there for her, always.
When you are sad, tell someone, share a kind meal or go outside and feel the sun on your face. These simple acts will restore your soul. If you’ve got no one to tell, then tell yourself … or tell me. I am here.
Sharing is another way to restore your faith and sooth your soul. My friend Barrie and I recently shared free copies of her e-course Discover Your Passion and my e-book The 7-Week Life Cleanse to some friends who needed a little help. Today, my friend Laurie shared a beautiful gift with me. She introduced me to an amazing singer-songwriter. And now, I share him with you.
If you ever loved Neil, Joni, Van or Cat then you’re gonna love Ray – Ray LaMontagne. His music is filled with simple, soulful, sexy love. Sit back and soak up a little Ray.
79 Responses to “When You Are Sad”
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Just wanted to thankyou for your writing, ever since I came across your blog I find I just love the word Momentum, as someone who likes to write I really like word;
I just wanted to share with you, today I was so fatigued I thought no way can I get myself out the door and take my dog for a walk, I felt sad, as sometimes due to a chronic illness I am housebound and I’m always striving to create energy thru yoga and breathing,tai chi and other techniques;but I did it; today I did get out and too my dog for a walk,she motivates me as I knew she’d be really sad too if we didn’t get out and while we were out we met some really nice people walking there dogs, we didn’t share that much just a few words but it really lifted my spirits and than i came home and seen you made a post on your blog about sadness and your daughter, I loved it and am going to forward it to my daughter who is all grown up now and has a daughter of her own, and I know she would enjoy reading your post.
and thankyou for the cool songs,
present moment, move, momentum, I just love that word, to me it means a gathering of creative energy.
with gratitude
sharon
How lovely, Sharon. I also love the word momentum. Your story is very sweet. I think it is good to be mindful of the fact that when we meet others in casual moments like that and share a few words, it can really lift their spirits and change someone’s day. Someone having a bad day might just need you just as you needed your dog, your walk and a little human communication with some nice people. Thank you for sharing. Yes, momentum is creative energy and a little joy thrown in. xo
I remember in my senior year of high school, I went through this incredibly broken period where I was unbelievably sad. Something happened, I’d rather not go into detail, but I would wake up in the middle of the night crying, I would leave class just to cry. It hurt so much. I remember the days where I would try to think I was getting better. I thought I was becoming insane. I was going through phases of happiness and then sadness. It took me awhile to get out of that ditch. It was friendship that got me out.
I had a time like that too, Jonathan. Depression and sadness can be hard to come out of. I remember finding mundane tasks like doing groceries very painful. It was as though I was the only one walking around in darkness and everyone else was oblivious. Friends definitely helped me through, and simply letting the feeling ride for a while, then letting it slowly go away at it’s own pace.
This post arrived exactly when I needed it. Love it when that happens. Thank you.
I love when that happens too, Chris. You are welcome.
Hi Katie,
It’s so important to have somebody say, “I’m here” when things are bad. I’ve been through some really tough times and it helped to get a phone call out of the blue from someone who knows you’ve been sad. Your daughter is so blessed to have you as her soul trainer. It’s wonderful that you think of your parenting role that way. She is sure to grow up believing in herself. You’re a wonderful lady Katie! Thanks!
Hi Dandy, thank you for saying such kind things. I do my best, not always great, but my best at that moment – that’s all we can do as human beings, as parents, as writers. And yes, I am here. xo
Katie, beautiful songs, thanks for the introduction to Ray.
You are a wonderful mother and an awesome role model for your daughter.
Marianney, thank you for always stopping by and leaving your supportive words. Looks like Ray is someone many know and many more are discovering. Awesome.
Hi Katie,
My daughter just turned 26. We adopted her at age 2 after a difficult start in life. There were times in the next 24 years when she was really hurting and struggling. All I could do at times was keep loving her & hold onto the knowledge of her best self and to the vision of happier times for her. (The saying “keep hope alive” comes to mind.)
Yesterday when I asked her how this birthday was, she said at work they got her a cake. Then she added “I feel peaceful and happy.”
My heart is still smiling.
Dear Eileen, how giving and brave of you to adopt. It appears you’ve done just what you hoped, given your daughter peace and happiness. That is a parent’s main job. My heart is smiling right back at your wonderful story. Thank you for sharing it.
I definitely think sharing your feelings with other is a great recipe for overcoming sadness. One of the worst things to experience in life is extreme sadness mixed with loneliness and isolation.
Henway, so true. Once we open up to others and invite them in, our sadness is always lightened.
It’s nice to be sad sometimes and know it is temporary. I was sad for three years once,grieving for my late husband and I didn’t know when things were going to get better. My mom was toxic to me then and I couldn’t call her. I wish that things had been different but they weren’t. There was no one to call any more. I was very depressed and didn’t know how to make things better. Thank you for the post.And songs.
Clar, I’m sorry you had to go through such an intense loss and period of sadness on your own. I’m glad to hear that your sadness has eased. It is never easy especially when others are toxic.
Katie: What a great post and it hits on so many truths. The reality is that we are going to have challenges that come our way and times when they may have sucked some of the wind out of us. I appreciated this post because it is so true that we need to face these challenges and walk right through them just like your daughter. I also thought it was great advice that you gave to share your concerns and challenges with someone and allow them to help you. Great post and great information.
Thank you Sibyl. Walking right through them — sounds like the best way to face fear — but you’re right, it can also work with sadness. And as you note, part of that is sharing, giving voice to fears or sadness dilutes and eases them both.
Katie, you are so thoughtful and open to helping others. I love the quote at the top. Sometimes we just need someone to be with us while we hurt. I think there’s a tendency to believe that we must do or say the right thing to help each other, but there are times when words don’t really help. A smile, a hug, some tears, and just being there can be enough. Thanks for offering to be there.
Hey Alison, I really believe that it’s important to reach out and say, “I’m here”. We all have a smile, kind word or hug we can give out once in a while. The world doesn’t have to be a cold place. Thank you for being there for me too, my friend.
It is so important to talk to others both in good times and sad times. To be able to support others in difficult times is a great gift, and it is so rewarding to help others in life
David, I think you’ve touched on something really important. Being in a sad place is often something people don’t like to share — they feel like people won’t understand or will want to fix it. That support you speak of is often being a person who simply listens without judgment or even answers. Rewarding indeed.
Katie,
Being able to open up and share what’s in your heart and soul, is the most priceless and healing gift we can give to each other. I appreciate the reminder of how often it’s the most simple things – like sharing a meal together – that can bring the greatest solace.
Hi Sandra, we do complicate things, don’t we? Expensive therapy, fancy retreats when often all we need is a walk holding hands or a cuddle. Not that I’m knocking retreats and therapy but sometimes we have remedies for soul soothing right at our fingertips.
Hi Katie,
It’s wonderful that you’re daughter is able to be so open with you. You’ve certainly given her a great gift that will give her comfort in the future – that of being able to connect deeply with another person.
I enjoyed the song by Ray LaMontagne. The lyrics echo the sentiments of another song about sharing that moves me, “You’ve Got a Friend” by James Taylor:
“If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door”
Epic stuff…
Hi Scott, my daughter is a very loving and open human being. She’s always been that way. I’m very lucky. And I love that James Taylor song. It’s like an anthem for lonely souls. Love the Carole King version too. Yepic!
Hey Katie, you were totally right when you said that we seem to be on the same wave lately, I had also just discovered Ray only a week or two ago! This is such a great post, I also read your one on Goodlife Zen, it was beautiful. I love your writing style, it’s so moving. Keep up the great work!
Hi Jessica, that’s cool that you discovered Ray recently too. We are vibing. Thanks for the kudos and support. You rock!
Such a beautiful post. Sharing our sadness can be such a healing experience and having someone share their sadness with us is such a blessing.
I’ve been reading the kind life and made cornbread from the book yesterday
Katie, thank you. I’m happy to hear you’re reading the kind life (and kind diet) her blog and book are wonderful. I love the images in the book and the vegan peanut butter cups could move mountains.
What a beautiful post. It’s true — when we have someone to talk to when we’re sad, someone to just listen or give us a hug (or a few!), things don’t seem so awful anymore.
Your daughter is lucky to have you as a Mama, just as I know you’re lucky to have her!
Lindsay, you are so right. My daughter and I are lucky to have each other. As others have repeated in these comments, it is the listening that we all really want when we’re sad. Simple but sometimes hard to find and give. It is something we can all learn to do, especially as parents who tend to want to give advice or take control. It is loving to simply listen and say, “I understand” or “I hear you”.
That is so beautiful! My girls are only 7 and 4, but I wish their happiness everyday, who wouldn’t? My mom is my best friend, my go-to person, my “I’m having a bad day”-”I’m having a great day” listener, my inspiration and my hero. I hope to all that and more for my girls. I hope to empower them so they may find their own way, but also that I am here..always, unconditionally.
Jasmine, what a great mom you are. You have a lovely role model for a mother and likely will be one too. Much love to you and those little beauties of yours.
I’ve found the same to be true: when sad or a little blue, move it out of you and share it with someone else. It isn’t that that persons takes on the sadness for you as a burdern, but rather, they act as a container. Someone who acts as your container can be the first step to getting out of a funk and you know you are not alone.
And I’m so happy you’ve discovered Ray LaMontagne. He is one of my favorites! His live recordings are great and he just released a new album with a group called the Pariah Dogs. Have fun exploring his soulful raspy love!
Quinn, I love this idea of acting as a container for others – someone to “take on” the sadness, but not as a burden, simply as a place for them to place it and maybe help them let it go a little. Very powerful in some ways.
And yes, Ray’s soulful raspy love is giving me shivers. He’s so real.
Katie thank you for sharing this music!
Saddness can be an opportunity to look with in and slow down a bit. It can connect us to our deepest self and show us where we’ve mis-interpreted something or where we went off path. It can be informative and helpful. It can also knock us down and keep us from feeling bliss – that’s the beauty and power in healthy relationships. Sharing moments with a friend can help re-align our energy away from sadness into truth, joy, lightness of being.
It’s truly wonderful that you and your daughter have each other to journey through life with.
Aileen, I think you’re right about sadness being a slowing down of sorts. It is often associated with darkness and alone time, but maybe we need that to embrace lightness and “re-align our energy”, as you put it. Thank you for sharing and for being on this journey with me and making it more joyful.
Our pastor shared on Sunday that keeping sin and fears a secret just gives them the darkness they need to grow.
Glad your daughter has learned this lesson early.
JDaniel4’s Mom, I think you’re pastor is correct in saying that darkness can let things fester and grow. It’s like a spiral sometimes when we’re fearful or sad or even feeling guilty. Getting it out, sharing it, can begin the healing and bring it to light where it often isn’t quite as awful as we thought.
Katie, this is a beautiful post. You and your daughter have a special relationship. You are blessed to be her soul trainer. When I feel this way, I love to talk to my older son,he always knows how to put a smile on my face.
Ayala, our children do become our soul trainers in return. I’m glad your son is yours sometimes too.
I lost my parents several years ago and I don’t have a partner or children – something I’ve now come to terms with (for the most part!). My brother and sister and I are close and speak often but they have their own families and there a times I think I’m more of a burden than anything. BUT I often find when I’m sad that the universe provides an antidote if I allow myself to see it. That sounds insanely silly but when I’ve had a difficult day something will happen – I’ll receive a letter from my sponsored child in Africa or I’ll see something that makes me smile – its just a question of being open to it. I will never ever forget walking down a crowded street behind a small boy in full Buzz Lightyear suit and helmet. He was so happy and in character (and so hilarious to watch) that I could see him effect a change in every single adult that saw him. His joy was infectious. This morning I was feeling low after not seeing a living soul the entire long weekend and not only did I receive a blog on sadness from you !!! but I also received the loveliest photo of a friend’s children (I wish I could upload for you to see) Karena (almost 2ys) with his new baby sister Kaea Rose. He has his hand on his sister’s cheek and he’s looking at her in total wonderment – it’s beautiful and it made me smile.
God bless
Robyn
Robyn, thank you for sharing so much of your heart here on this page. It is evident that you have a very big heart and a soul that is open to everything life sends you and is going to send you. You will likely draw amazing things, people and experiences into your life when the time is right. I am so happy my blog arrived when it did along with that lovely photo from your friend and that it put a smile on your face on a quiet weekend. Much love you too.
Sweet sounds and sweet concept – “soul trainer” – I like them both.
I recently heard a study that found it’s not as much the supportive actions we do, as it is justing being there. Being present when a loved one is hurting is calming. I always tell people, it’s not what you do, just be, be with them…
Marci, you’ve echoed what a few other people have said here. That being there is the answer, the healer, the calming balm that we need when we’re sad. We are a society of doers, but maybe we need a little rewiring when it comes to simply being. Thanks for sharing your insights. Poignant as always.
Dear Katie,
I’ve never heard more beautiful words to describe the role of a parent: Soul Trainer.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how we treat our children. I feel this is the truest journey of parent/child, that of soul trainer (although those words hadn’t formulated in my mind).
To nurture a child without breaking their beautiful spirit. To provide an environment which enables their natural soulfulness to come out to play – often. To “give momentum to her soul”.
I shall always be awed by the natural openness and love a child gives so freely and it’s heartening to see children thrive under such soulful support.
THANK YOU for being one of those individuals. And thanks for the lovely music – I do love all the mentioned musicians!
Warm regards,
Lauren
Lauren, it is said that the role of the Godparent is to be the keeper of the child’s soul. But we can all do this as parents, teachers, coaches – nurture their little spirits, encourage their ideas, dreams, no matter what they are – instead of trying to fit them into a “career” box or “money earner” box. All of that is “for their own good” but in the end, if they don’t love what they do, they’ll either be unhappy or have to take the long route to get to their true path. Sometimes we’re best to just get out of the way, and simply be there to help them see the world more soulfully. No one teaches them that at school. You’re right, all they need is soulful support.
How blessed your relationships is with the love you have for each other. I too love the words, “soul trainer.” I believe being a parent is the toughest job in the world but the rewards for a good job never end. Thanks for sharing with the world what every parent and child relationship needs to thrive. Love.
Hey Tess, parenting is tough and I’m by no means perfect but I’m one of the luckiest moms ever. I can’t tell you how many times she’s walked up to me and said, out of the blue, “I’m so luck to have you as my mom.” Of course, the feeling is mutual. She is an amazing gift in my life – the most amazing. It’s all about love.
You may just have an old soul in your daughter dear Katie. How wonderful for you both because there will be times when she is your soul trainer. Be well.
Michelle, it has been said by many who know her that my daughter is an old soul — a big “cry baby” (in her words), but nonetheless, a wise and beautiful young woman. She already is my soul trainer, in fact, she has sparked my soul’s evolution for the past 18 years.
Ray is my frequent go-to. You should check out The Tallest Man on Earth (not a Ray, but who could be?!?!).
And perhaps this is the point, but I’m starting to feel like you’re a dear sister and wishing you were my mom (even though I doubt that hardly works age wise, but whatever). You’re spirit exudes in your writing and it is just so darn nurturing that who could not want to rest their head on your thigh and have you finger through their hair with your right hand and your left assuredly rested on their hip.
Kristy, what a sweet comment. If I can be that, exude that, nurture and provide comfort like that, I am truly thankful. I feel our connection growing too. xo
This is a really beautiful piece You are obviously having a great impact on your daughter who was comfortable sharing her sadness and her recovery. The term soul trainer is amazing. I love that phrase!
Thanks JW. It might be my influence in part, but she’s always been very comfortable with sharing. Thanks for popping by.
Part of the thing with sadness is not feeling we need to be stuck in it. Being stuck in suffering is a habit – a habit that can be broken, sure, but once that habit’s in place we have to work at getting unstuck from suffering. See, I see the gift to your daughter from you is this: she doesn’t have the propensity to get stuck in sadness, and can express when it’s no longer there. That is something very profound, because lots of people, when they are young, carry that sadness around while having to pretend not to be. And getting rid of THAT kind of habit when you are older is traumatic. So that’s what I see as a huge gift that you are giving here. She feels safe enough to be sad but also to let sadness go. Wow!
Very insightful and sweet, Diana. You always have a way of getting at the heart of why something makes sense or works — in a very soulful way. Maybe if my daughter feels safe with her sadness and with letting it go, she’ll be flexing that muscle and be able to use it to also let go fear so she can ultimately follow her heart in life. That’s my sincerest hope. Much love to you Diana.
kate,
I really agree with this post and what you say. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel frustrated…And I remind myself that I have wonderful and beautiful people to share my frustrations with…And that always lessens the pain or the confusion that I’m feeling.
In the past, I used to believe that my struggles were for me, that people would judge me if something wasn’t going right. Now, I know that nobody is perfect and that connections are strengthened by sharing imperfections, insecurities, and doubts…Everything feels lighter and more achievable when people you love got your back. And you’re right, feeling the sun in your face always helps as well.
Carolina
I couldn’t agree more, Carolina. Sharing our imperfections actually connects us more, thus the lightness you speak of. Thank you for sharing.
A heart-centric post normalizing sadness instead of stigmatizing it. And yes, nothing like trusted, intimate company, a meal and music to nourish the bruised soul.
I will soak up some Ray; he sounds fantastic! xoxo
Belinda, why we stigmatize our normal states of being is beyond me. We’re all sad once in a while. Enjoy Ray. He soothes the soul.
Hi Katie, I’m listening to Ray at the moment and am so grateful for the introduction! I hadn’t heard his music before so I will have a Ray-fest on utube later on…I so love finding a new singer who understands me and writes lyrics specially for me. ;D Seriously though, I think that finding a new musician you love can often touch your soul and help ease any lingering aches and pains that are there. But I agree that nothing can dissipate that pain like a ’sharing’ with a trusted and loved friend or family member…someone who you know cares deeply about you and will feel that pain for you. That’s what you did with your beautiful daughter today Katie…unbeknownst to yourself you touched something that was hurting in her and healed it. I know this because I am also very close to my eldest daughter who is nineteen; and it sometimes feels as though there is a symbiotic relationship thing going on between us that is so organic it can only have formed in the womb. Thanks for a beautiful post and the gift of some lovely music Katie
Rosemary, glad you’re enjoyed Ray’s soothing, soulful tones. It is a wonderful gift to have that close relationship with our girls. We’re two lucky moms. My daughter is 18 so they are very close in age. Thanks for sharing your warmth on these pages.
I think it’s ok to be sad Katie, as we need to accept all our emotions but just don’t stay there as it leads to despair. Yes, speak it out, yes, feel it touch you and express it, but let it go because sadness can then lead to gladness. In peace and love always.
You are so right, John. It is okay to feel what we’re feeling. My daughter has taught me that with her free flowing tears. She might feel things very deeply, but she gets those things out and moves past them. Thank you for coming by, it’s always a pleasure.
There is a picture I posted above my 6-year old’s bed that shows a little girl sitting in a yoga pose and meditating. She has her eyes closed and looks very peaceful and quietly content. I cut it out of a magazine that had an article about yoga for kids. It’s been in her room since she was very little but when she was old enough to start reading she asked me what the word under the caption said and I told her it said “Namaste”. Now, when my daughter is sad or upset, she has a ritual where she goes to a quiet place, whether it’s the backyard or a corner of her room and she takes deep breaths and sits quietly until she feels better. She calls it “namaste-ing”.
I, too feel deeply grateful for the privilege of mothering my two girls. I learn so much from them every day.
And Ray’s music is wonderful, thank you for sharing…”soaking up” – indeed the right words!
Tisha, what a lovely gift you’ve given your child. Positive imagery and her embracing of it have allowed her to evolve and deal with her feelings in ways many adults never figure out. Well done. Simply beautiful.
I’m sad when I’m alone, I’m afraid and when I don’t find the meaning of life.
Haley, I hope you can find some happiness in being alone. There is much joy that can come from being your own friend and enjoying your own company. In my youth, I often didn’t like being alone either but I’ve grown to cherish it. I’m here if you need me. Just drop by and look around, or send me a note. xo
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Aw, this was an extremely nice post. Taking the time and actual effort to generate a very good article… but what can I say… I put things off a lot
and don’t seem to get nearly anything done.
Having read this I thought it was rather informative.
I appreciate you finding the time and effort to put this informative article together.
I once again find myself spending way too much time both reading and commenting.
But so what, it was still worthwhile!